Dealing With Anger in Relationships
Dealing with anger in a relationship is something that can either make or break the relationship. No couple is perfect, no matter how hard they try, so anger issues are going to come up. We all have our good side and our bad side, and our bad side only shows itself when we are feeling negative emotions, and anger is one of them.
Until you have seen your partner angry, or jealous (or any other negative emotional state) you have not seen all their sides. How someone handles their anger is just as important as how they express love. You could be the most loving person on earth but that doesn’t excuse you becoming violent when you are feeling anger. The good side of you, the loving side, will never make up for violent anger, and it shouldn’t. If someone cannot control their anger, the person they are in a relationship cannot control their safety, and should end the relationship as soon as possible.
Anger can be a very productive or very destructive emotion. You can get angry enough to have the energy to paint your entire house in a few hours. That is productive. Being angry and beating yourself up for something your partner did is not. Taking out your anger by throwing things, leaving screaming, cursing messages is not productive either.
There are some people with such bad anger issues that even though they don’t physically assault their partner they will call them nasty names, break their possessions, get them in trouble with their job, or go out and cheat on them. This is not healthy, and it isn’t because they love you. They do this because they cannot reign in their emotions and are abusive. When someone treats you bad, you have a right to be angry. What you do not have a right to do it be abusive.
If someone can behave that hatefully when they are angry (and we are talking normal stuff, not that you just poured nail polish remover all over their new car) then how can they really love you? They can’t, because love doesn’t work that way. Sure, you can get angry, but the person you love is not supposed to be your worst enemy in the world. If they are, then end the relationship. Until you (or they) get a handle on your anger, your relationship is in for the worst ride ever. Seek professional help if you are the one with the problem, and if it is your partner, withdraw from the relationship until they are seeking professional help, if there is no personal safety issue.
There was a comment left by a reader, that I did not approve, that spoke about her boyfriends cheating. She said something along the lines of “He has cheated on me many times, but I forgive him, because after all, we are not perfect, we are all human.” Of course I did not approve that comment, because it was speaking to another reader’s situation, and that is not the type of shit I would tell anyone. Just because we are all human and not perfect does not mean we should allow inhumane treatment. That isn’t love. That is something else. Because if you don’t love yourself, you cannot love anyone else in a healthy way.
You are attracted to negative treatment because you feel negatively towards yourself. You must fix your relationship with yourself before you can fix any relationship with someone else. If she took her anger at him cheating, instead of acceptance, maybe should could get him to stop cheating because she could help create change. Showing someone your anger at what they have done, and laying down the law can actual get dysfunction out of your relationship. Accepting crappy behavior? That’s ensures more crappy behavior to come.