Love Life Coaching

When He Says He Doesn’t Know What He Wants

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Many women have found themselves involved or in love with a man who says, out of the blue, that he doesn’t know what he wants right now concerning a relationship. After a woman recovers from being completely blindsided, she then begins to wonder where that came from, and why. Why doesn’t he know what he wants all of a sudden? Why does he no longer know what he wants when he seemed to clearly know exactly what he wanted up to this point? When will he know what he wants? Since the statement came out of nowhere, and she really does not know where they stand and what the future holds, she is just as confused as he apparently is.

When He Says He Doesn't Know What He Wants

When He Says He Doesn’t Know What He Wants

Let’s take out some of the confusion. When he says he doesn’t know what he wants, he is actually telling you he knows what he doesn’t want. What he doesn’t want is the relationship you want. Men often pull this stunt and use this line when it is time for a relationship to go to the next level, or for one to start.

When you are dating they say they know what they want, but when it is time to deliver, the vacillating begins. If you really want a relationship, when the opportunity presents itself, you will give it a chance. If you don’t, you won’t.

Where does this sudden change of heart come from? More often than not, they never really wanted the same things you did, they lied.

Quite often men will say they don’t know what they want right now as a way to break up. Rather than cut if off cleanly, they leave you hanging waiting for them to decide. He may also say he is not sure of what he wants right now to keep you on the line while he pursues another woman, or women. If it doesn’t work out with the other woman, he still has you on the back burner. When his ex makes contact, men will often use this line as a way to get space from you while they sort out their feelings for their ex or try to reconcile with their ex.

Some men use that line to keep the sex without having to have a real relationship with you. They put the relationship status on hold, and have now created a booty call or friends with benefits situation. It is a good manipulative tactic on his part, as he knows the woman may still hold out some hope of a real relationship someday.
It is never a good sign when a man says he doesn’t know what he wants, and even if he discovers what he wants is you, can you or should you really trust him? Can you really be sure if you want to give him the chance to change his mind again?

What YOU shouldn’t want is a man who is not ready to give your relationship a chance. What YOU shouldn’t want is a man who can change his mind so easily, and for no good reason. When he says he doesn’t know what he wants, tell him you no longer want someone like him. What you want is a man who KNOWS what he wants, knows how to get it, treat it, and keep it.


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Sarah Adelle

Sarah is a Certified Relationship Life Coach and Soulmate ~ Twin Flame expert with 20+ years experience helping clients around the world live the life and have the relationship they desire. Sarah is here to empower you to see the truth in your situation, not enable you to remain in a place that keeps you stuck and unhappy. Sarah will lift you to see the reality of your situation, providing guidance to see you through it. She will also help you get control of your relationship, if it can be saved, so you have can the relationship you have hoped for. Sarah co-hosts two weekly radio shows, primarily geared toward relationship issues, called Empower Enlighten Envision on Weds nights on BlogTalkRadio as well as CBS NewSkyRadio.


  1. Georgia

    May 26, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    I have had a few guys pull the “I’m confused” routine on me!

  2. Sam

    July 15, 2015 at 12:57 am

    I needed to see this, found it at the perfect time!

  3. Melissa

    January 12, 2016 at 1:04 am

    Great article


    January 17, 2016 at 7:09 am

    But what if things are complicated since we used to date for 8 years and now we haven’t even hooked up and are just being friends? Huh? What then??

  5. waly

    February 27, 2016 at 12:15 pm

    I found this 5 months to late!

  6. Unknown

    August 30, 2016 at 12:56 am

    I was in a relationship with a separated man. He told me that I was his path, that I should take a chance and knowing that he was a high risk bet I agreed and started a wonderful relationship with him. He said he asked for divorce and the only way to get it was trying first was going to therapy with his wife, he agreed. After a while I started feeling him very distant, he called and chat a lot and we did not had a lot of free time to spend together, he was too busy with a lot of things going on.

    One day, I spoke with him and asked ¿What do you want? and he said, I do not know what i want right now and he was not ready for a relationship, even when at the begining he almost begged me to take a chance. Of course I put an end, hurting me a lot because I fall in love with him and pictured my life with him. Think he is reconsidering go back home, to a person who made his life miserable doing it entirely for his children and not for him.

    I can see whats gonna happen, he will go back home living in Auto pilot full of regrets because he did not put himself first. Of course I am heart broken but dont regret it because I learn a lot of my self and how strong I am capable to love a man, that I want a healthy relationship were I can be myself no matter what. I am open for love, I will seek for that man willing to share his life with me. I wish him all the possible happiness a human being can reach.

  7. Teresa

    January 23, 2017 at 11:30 pm

    My boyfriend did this to me a week ago and I had no idea anything was wrong! He said he wasn’t telling anybody that we were broke up he just needed some time! He has texted a couple times but just to say hi! Is trying to break up or what

  8. Lost in love

    January 24, 2017 at 7:11 am

    I’m in this situation right now and let me tell you it sucks… we been split up since December 28th it’s been the worst few weeks of my life I’m still head over heels in love with this guy and he keeps telling me that he doesn’t know what he wants because he doesn’t know if he could trust anybody he doesn’t believe anybody and he feels like his grip with reality is gone and he’s constantly depressed…

    • Sarah Adelle

      Sarah Adelle

      January 24, 2017 at 5:26 pm

      He is not ready for a relationship or he is playing head games with you. The best thing you can do for yourself and for a future with him is distance yourself and tell him to come to you when he is ready. Otherwise you both will create unhealthy habits and patterns that will just get worse.

      • Lost in love

        January 24, 2017 at 5:52 pm

        Well the thing of the matter is we’ve been together for 8 months so I’m pretty sure he knew it he wanted our relationship was going great and we were getting ready to move in together and I told him a little white lie about me getting a ride with one of my friends because it was a guy but he knows I’m not a cheater and he’s very insecure very jealous and ever since then he claims that he doesn’t believe anybody or anything anyone tells him he doesn’t know what’s real anymore so I’ve decided to distance myself from him because I know my worth but yet he still sends me pictures of us and tells me he still loves me and he misses me go figure

        • Sarah Adelle

          Sarah Adelle

          January 24, 2017 at 5:56 pm

          If he wanted a relationship and it was going great to the point you were moving in together he wouldn’t have went overboard over a white lie. Like I said, he either doesnt want a relationship or is playing games, which your response only further illustrates.

          • Lost in love

            January 24, 2017 at 6:08 pm

            Well during our relationship his ex-girlfriend would text him all the time so he’s at fault for opening that door he has major trust issues so us not being together is a good thing and a bad thing. He knows I’m the bus girlfriend he’s ever had he tells me all the time but I know my worth and I know what I want and I know what I don’t want just sad that I wasted eight months of my life on nothing but onward and upward

  9. Kirsty palmer

    March 23, 2017 at 10:58 pm

    Hi I don’t know what to do a guy got in contact with me in December in which I was living with my ex and currently still am!! I met up with him and he knew my current situation. A couple of time I was sue if I was doing the right thing seeing him but I did and it felt great the spark was there we slept together it was amazing next I became confused and called it off he said I hurt him then blocked me. Then he tells me in January out of the blue he’s met someone so I tried to see if I could make it work because I loved him but I couldn’t as I was still living with my ex I got angry and said I knew you wouldn’t wait for me. So 2 months went by I messaged him asking how he was. Then I agreed to meet him but he blew me out last minute which upset me so I blocked him then a week ago I messaged him and said can we meet up and resolve this and he’s saying he will tomorrow but he’s not sure what he wants I don’t know what to do I’m so in love with him. I checked on WhatsApp and he has the letter S and a blue and a green heart I dint know where I stand??

    • vale

      May 18, 2017 at 8:30 pm

      we deserve better!!

  10. L

    July 23, 2017 at 8:31 pm

    Thank you

  11. Virginia

    August 7, 2017 at 6:20 pm

    My boyfriend and I just broke up after dating for 4 yrs. We’re both in our 30s. He’s been married once before & I have not. A year into our relationship he was telling me that I was the one. The topic faded as neither of us really brought it up after and into our second year of dating. During our third year, we moved in together and were doing great, allowing each other freedom & independence so as not to lose our identities as individuals (we were in a healthy relationship). The pressure of marriage starting building because all of my siblings (3) were getting married this yr., along w/ EVERYONE else we knew. I brought it up a lot more often & my boyfriend would say that he wanted to marry me some day, but just not now because he was transitioning into a new career, as was I. Toward the end of our third yr. things weren’t easy; I was moving to begin grad school while working 2 jobs, he was working 3 jobs & in school. We argued more than normal due to our stresses. I moved for my grad program, didn’t make the cut-off for it (my grade was too low in the pre-qualifying course) & shortly after initiated/suggested that my boyfriend & I break up, because I asked him if he still wanted to marry me someday to which he replied, I’m not sure. He is my best friend & I know that we both still love each other very much, but it was unsettling for me to hear a reply like that, considering I want marriage someday. We broke up mutually. After having an open conversation with him the other day, after we were already broken up, he told me that it wasn’t just the marriage issue, but that it was because of my self doubt & that really, he just wasn’t sure what he wanted. He told me that he misses talking to me everyday & that while we had a healthy relationship for the most part & love each other, these two things were weighing on him. It’s hard for me because I keep holding on to the idea that maybe he’ll come to & realize what he lost. Please, if possible, can you make any more sense of this than I can or do you have any insight? Thank you so much!

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