Pain is the first thing anyone feels after a breakup and you need to feel that pain before you can begin to heal. The problem is that people tend to beat themselves up after a break up, which makes that hurt linger for much longer than need be. Why do we find a need to beat ourselves up? Instead, we should try and understand what the heck went wrong in our relationship and figure out what, if anything, you did to bring the relationship to an end. See if there is anything you can learn from your mistakes, rather than beat yourself up about them.
The common ways we beat ourselves up are:
1. Wondering what is wrong with you. You ask yourself why this keeps happening to you, why you always seem to attract the wrong type of guy, and tell yourself you will never find happiness and are doomed to failure. Stop doing that to yourself. It didn’t work with this guy but that does not mean it can’t work out with another.
2. You blame yourself. “If only I would have _____, or if only I didn’t ____” goes through your mind over and over again. Remember that if it was the right relationship you would not have done the “wrong” things or said the “wrong” things. And who is to say they were wrong anyway? Your ex? Why isn’t it about him? Instead of blaming yourself, understand you were just wrong for each other.
Please try to stop beating yourself up and get to the place where you are ready to move on with your life. These are a few recommendations to help you clear out the space to make room for the right guy to enter your life.
1. Don’t begin dating again too soon. Allow enough time to grieve the relationship so you can be ready without baggage when the time is right.
2. Hang out with your friends and family, throw yourself into your work, start a new project or enjoy a new hobby. Just keep busy!
3. Talk about it for a while, but know the time will come where you need to shut your mouth in order to shut the door. Talking about it to vent and get your feelings out is good just after the breakup, but it needs to become less and less so those feelings can dissipate instead of linger.
4. Write in a journal. Put your thoughts and feelings down on paper. It can really help to purge those thoughts and help diminish those feelings.
5. Avoid contact with your ex during this time if possible. You want your wounds to heal, not re-open every time you seen him.
Healing after a breakup takes time, so give yourself the time you need, and use that time to learn, grown, and become stronger. You will get there. Closure is within reach, you just need to take the first step.
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