He Went Back to His Ex – Now What?

When you first started dating your guy, he swore he was over her and would rather chew off his own foot than get back together.  But he went back to his ex. He told you negative things about her that made her out to be some swamp creature. As a matter of fact, he never seemed to have anything good to say about her. He may have told you all kinds of horror stories and admitted his friends and family will kill him if he ever got back together with his ex. Well, he should be a dead man any second now because he did.

You just can’t believe it! You are devastated and can’t believe he gave her another chance. Did he tell you they had gotten broken up and gotten back together several times before? If he did, that was your first red flag. Couples that keep going back to one another, even though they swore that was the last time quite often repeat this pattern for years. It is always a good idea to ask how many times the couple has gone back and forth before you give him a shot. If he tells you more than 2 and that it has gone on for over a year you need to run like the wind.

He went back to his ex

He Went Back to HIs Ex

If this is what just happened to you, it is a safe bet he and the ex will break up again, and he might just come knocking on your door again. What should you do if this happens? Don’t answer it. He already has an on again-off again relationship with one woman already, he doesn’t need to have one with you too.

If his ex was a total bi*ch who treated him like dog-doo who broke his heart time after time and decided to pop-up again because she found out he was with you, it is likely they will break up again. She only wanted to screw things up between the two of you and this guy is so clueless he doesn’t see it. He does not know what love is and doesn’t really love his ex. No one could love someone that mistreats them that badly.

He is obsessed with winning her love. (Never going to happen.) Eventually this guy will tire of his ex using him like a boomerang, but you can’t wait around for it to happen. If you try to win him over, he will see himself in you and be repulsed. (Just like she is by him). Don’t think that by showing him kindness he will appreciate it. He is not programmed that way right now. You have to accept that he is f*cked up right now, and will be for a long time. Let him go.

Even if you know there is no chance in hell these two are going to make it this time, don’t wait around for him. We expect you to be angry at him for doing this to you, but please bear in mind he always knew he would give her another shot. Don’t blame her, the choice was his. Now you need to choose to leave this loser behind you. Why should she get so many chances (that failed and will continue to fail) and you didn’t even get a decent shot? The answer is that he and she have an on/off relationship and you didn’t stand a chance.


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  218 comments for “He Went Back to His Ex – Now What?

  1. My ex got back with his ex they share a 6 year old kid. I share a 3 year old with him. When I met him he told me she was a horrible person and abusive. She even got him arrested for DV which according to him was a lie just so he could stay with her because he was trying to end the relationship the arrest was the reason he broke up with her. When she found out he was with me and that I was pregnant she made sure she ruined it. Him and i argued constantly because I would tell him he had to give me my place and keep all contact with her to a minimum because of their son. He never listened to me and became abusive towards me I left him when our child was 1 year old for almost 2 years we were on and off not living together but hung out together as a family. I was too scared to move back in if he hadn’t prove he had really changed. Well I while we were on and off I caught him getting dropped off by his ex at his house one morning so that’s and why i didn’t go back to him because of his lies as well as drinking issue. He basically had. Not changed. I set my boundaries and he was upset so he took his ex back in spite of all the damage she caused us she also hates our daughter and he knows so why the hell did he go back to her? Will they last?

  2. Hello..I’m in a very tough situation. So, I recently got over my ex of seven years on and off relationship around this March. We broke up September of last year. It was really tough. Then I met a guy through my friend late Febuary. We clicked which hasn’t happened to me with anyone else in a very long time. He mentioned he had also recently ended a seven year relationship as well, last december. That’s how we got to talking and I understood perfectly and we started talking almost every night. He would constantly talk to me and eventually it become a sexual frienship (for about a month) and it ended recently ever since he called me drunk on his birthday saying he had messed up. He called his ex, and wanted comfort and me being the nice friend that I am, picked up and we talked. He texted me saying he really appreciated me and it meant the world that i had wished him a happy birthday. That was April. Towards the end though, he started to get distant and eventually our talks shortened over the past month. He mentioned he didn’t want to lead me on even though a few months ago he mentioned he liked me as well but he ‘needed time to even consider anything’. Now, I am not so sure this will happen…as he texted me today saying his ex recently started to have more conversations with him and looking at his social media even though she doesn’t follow him. (They broke up because his ex cheated on him. Which is WHY I don’t think it would be a good idea to fall back into that.. from experience.) I honestly think i could make him happy but this girl keeps reeling him back in. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give up on this guy because he is really decent person but it’s just his ex that is keeping him from letting go.

    • This guy isn’t a decent person. You are kidding yourself,. His ex isn’t reeling him back in, he is choosing to go and knew all along he would go back with her. He is using you. You didn’t learn from your last on/off relationship and got with a guy who has one with his ex and is using him when he is “off” with her. No decent guy does that. Go find someone who is actually decent and ready for a normal relationship, and make better choices in the future. This one had red flags all over it.

  3. Hey so I started liking a guy who i meet through a friend , the guy had a girlfriend and i kept my distance and he told my friend that he was falling for me but also was in love with his Girlfriend and he end it up breaking up with his Ex because she was to controlling and she didn’t let him have any freedom. So he broke up with her and went back with her again it happens about three times then the third time he said it was for good that he didn’t want her anymore that he liked me so Me and the guy started to hang out and i had admitted my feelings for him , and he told me he felt the same way but in the end of February he thought that it was best if we stayed friends instead of talking or dating, and i was sad but i got over it a little then he came back to me saying he liked me and he doesn’t want he wants , i figured that he was talking to his Ex and he told me he wasn’t ,so we started to hangout again and we went out to the movies with friends and he was so sweet and i fell for him again , just to found that that him and his ex were talking about getting back together and now their back together. I’m just really confuse and feel so dumb to even think something was there. why did he do all this things with me just to go back with his Ex girlfriend who he said she wasn’t giving him any freedoms but he still chose her and it really hurts because it’s my first time experiencing this kinda of situation I don’t know what to think or how to feel .

    • Instead of asking yourself why he did what he did why not ask yourself why you ignored the numerous red flags and put yourself in this situation and expected it to go well.

      • Your actually right I did think about that in Thebes beginning and then he just started to tell me how he really liked my personality and that he saw me and him together in the future and I guess I got Carried away with his words I honestly feel really stupid and embarrassed


  5. I’ve come across this site at the right time.
    I was also with a guy who I fell in love with. We were together until Christmas Day when he finished it. I was heart broken and we were still in contact. We decided to give it another go but during that time we face timed each other and he asked me if I had been with anyone else. I said no, he then said he though about it. Turns out he spent a lot of time with his ex wife of 12 years over the festive period and their children.
    He apparently spoke to her about us splitting up and she was also somebody that he could supposedly never have a relationship with.
    So less than a week he finishes again saying he can’t get over what happened the first time with that being I got insecure and felt I was questioning him a lot especially seeing as I saw him on What’s app at ridiculous times when apparently he only spoke to three people on there being his brother, a male friend and myself.
    He also told me that his ex wife wasn’t happy he had given me another chance and she hasn’t even had one.
    So this second time all happened the second week of January.
    I then get told he has photos of himself with her and the children on his Facebook. I get shown hers and it turns out they all had a lovely day out together with photos of them and one of him and her on their own together.
    So yes I feel like a complete fool. Why did he give me a second chance when he knew his heart wasn’t in it?
    It’s time to look after myself and concentrate on myself now. they say you can’t love somebody if you don’t love yourself.

  6. I’ve been with someone 4 years totally in love till I moved in his house with
    My children and his kids and ex from 12 years ago made it difficult , I moved out in may and we carried on seeing each other but rowed regular about how he let me go , last week I decided to put it all behind me after not seeing him 3 weeks , he blocked me on
    His phone and watts app not messenger i messaged him and said why have you blocked me what’s going on read but didn’t answer
    I eventually messaged him saying I’m coming round after work he didn’t read this , I arrive his 19!year old daughter answers the door I say I need to speak to your dad where is he etc, he messaged me straight away on
    My phone , saying sorry didn’t want you to find out like this I’m back with my ex , I was shocked broken and couldn’t believe what he was saying 3 weeks on she’s now moved in with there kids
    A week before Christmas and I’m broken

  7. Yes, happened to me as well. He said she was evil to their kids, jealous of them. Treated him bad for years including the kids. After I saw for my own eyes his personal truck in her driveway. I saw him later that night told him he should go back with her he said he’ll no. Seriously what a liar. Karma is coming for this so called man. Father of 3 grown girls. Who he said all said their mother hated him. Lesson learned. Ask that question “How many times hace you gone back to his X”? More than twice RUN LIKE THE WIND.

  8. This is one article that really hit home! It’s literally exactly how I feel. But I was struggling really hard sub consciously to not think about the what ifs, and the just maybe’s…. Because I really thought this guy loved me… there were no signs that he didn’t. He did everything in the right way….. So seductful and manipulative. I just realised that he knows exactly what he’s doing and he thinks that I’m just going to be with him again because he thinks I’m passed the line of being okay without him…. I am not still hurting because I know I’m better for him than she will ever be and that he didn’t choose me…. But I need to cut ties now! It’ll only get worse and I know I’ll meet somebody, one day….. And I’ll be absolutely fucking Okay! Life goes on, time keeps ticking away….. I’m 23 years old! My whole life is ahead of me. I could fall in love 100 more times, and each time will be different, but I thank God that he gave me those feelings. Of Love ❤ to feel jealous, or angry because you care so much for someone, it’s gets you upset for small things…. that you just always wanna be with that person. I promise you, you’re going to meet loads of people, who spark and ignite something in You…. But that don’t mean he the one…. But go for it. You live and you learn. Life’s short! Don’t worry about no man leaving you for his ex! Damn girl, he ain’t used to new flavours. But they always come back for more….. Ain’t that a thing.

  9. I just went through something similar in October. We started dating in August and everything was going great. We had a lot in common and had similar goals. Things were good. He had said his last relationship ended about a year before; they were together for 7 years and according to him, she was just using him as her meal ticket. He had one child, a son, from a completely different relationship than his last. He had his son every other weekend, so of course we wouldn’t see each other then. Anyway, he started sniffing around the ex again by using his son and her two daughters as an excuse to see her. It didn’t take me long to figure out what he was up to. His attitude had changed, too. He started becoming emotionally and verbally abusive toward me. I decided to end it. It was a really ugly end and I completely cut him off. As it had turned out, this jerk lied. He was fresh out of the relationship with the ex. The apparently broke up in June. I was just being used to hold her place until she came back. Never have I ever felt so disgusted or used in my life. After I broke it off with him, he had the nerve to message me 4 days later to throw it in my face they got back together, how perfect she is and how I was just a whore who held her place and could never hold a candle to her. I didn’t bother responding, I just laughed it off because at the end of the day, I’m not in some toxic relationship with someone like him.

  10. I met the guy on late march he told me of all his exs how many they are and how many he had had sex with so he just broke up with his ex two weeks before he met me ?? so he promised me al the love ?? he will give me and I was just 19 and he was 28 so he disvirgin me and he started acting funny but I could sense it i just locked up so I just added him on wassup to say hi to him I saw his ex girlfriend picture as his screen saver then I asked him he said she is just a friend but I was so bitter so I then confronted him to say the truth so he said back in in April he had issues with her so he let go then they were not talking till September she just said I hope he is enjoying his relationship so he said yes so he went to her wall and saw his picture as she also used it as screen saver so he has to do it also I then asked him does he still love ?? her he then said he is begging to Love her but not so strong so I then said to him he should be with her since he has being hiding from me all along but he said is not what I think ?? but I broke up with him yesterday so tell me what I did was it really right or wrong please ??

  11. I was doing better. I was moving on but there are still days that I am weak and check his status or try to find out what he is doing and with who. I know that I need to move on. He used me, stole money from me, and cheated on me. Yet I am still here like a stupid little girl and think of the “happy times”. Trust me there were some really bad bad times but I am focusing on the good and hurting inside.

  12. This has just happened to me. I was with a totally wonderful man (so I thought)who was separated, due to be divorced. He would never tell his 20 year old daughters about us though, which caused arguments. We got on so well. Then he dumped me, without a second thought, which he admitted. He said he was just using me for sex and that he never cared, accusing me of being pages ahead of him and laughing at me for falling for him. He said that he and his sister think I am a nutter and to leave him alone to get on with his life with his wife. I was married to a narcissistic nightmare before this. I thought I could tell another one coming. Every second I am consumed with hatred for him and bitterness. I thought about telling his wife everything. He has done this before when they were planning to get married. That woman had to have an abortion. His wife never knew. She does not love him, she just loves the assets that they share and the convenience of their life together. The whole thing is totally sad. I just want to feel better. I feel dirty and used. I loved that man!

  13. A married man left his wife for me and I sent him back because he sees her every weekend to be with the grandson and his weeks holiday is with her so he can see the grandson. He used to go out with her and the grandson for lunch every day of his holiday. Did I do the right thing?

  14. I was in a relationship with a guy for four month, he told about his ex and how she gilted him.
    Only for him tell me again that they have come to their relationship and he’s begging me to continue with him

  15. I was dating a man who was maybe 4 months out of a 7 year relationship. We dated for 4 months and everything seemed to be going well. He would randomly talk about his ex though. I should’ve seen the red flags because I knew more about her than I should have. Two weeks ago out of the blue i get a text from him saying that he values having me in his life but he’s not ready for a commitment. I was crushed. I have started no contact but I’m having trouble getting him off my mind. I also can’t stop wondering if he met someone else or if he is getting back with his ex.

  16. I am in new relationship with my bf..it’s been month..and he loves me n I love him too but his ex trying trying to come back in his life and asking him sorry..what shall I do? Or what shall he do to keep our relationship save.help me.

    • Sara-

      I need a hard dose of reality. I was with my bf for 6 months. He was younger than me, really cute and just made me feel damn special. We spent as much time together as we could. I have to travel a lot for work so I wasn’t home a lot of the time. He had broken up wirh his ex before we dated. They had a distinctional relationship and would fight constantly. During our time togwrher she texted me often saying he was after her or other girls. I know that they still talked and saw each other during our relationship. I felt I was always competing with her and I knew I was the better option. I had my shit together and actually cared about him. We were planning to move intogethwr and start our lives. I ended up finding out he was cheating on me and broke it off. He apologized and tried to win me over initially but then there was radio silence. I saw on social media that they were hanging out again and it killed me. How can he go back to someone that was abusivse, someone his family hated and someone he spot so poorly of??? He would tell me that she was a bitch and a horrible person – she hit him, got him fired Deon his job, but he still talked to her?? We haven’t talked anymore when I thought he would be trying to make things better. I know that I may be better off but I can’t help feeling that she won. This horrible person that made his life a living hell and harrassed me constantly win over me? They seem so happy together. I keep wondering if he ever loved me. If I could have done more to make him happy … he made me feel alive. I miss him everyday and it kills me that he can move on so quickly and forget me when we had plans for our future. I’m jealous of her… she gets him and they get their happily ever after.

      • Ok no offense but you need to get a grip and cut the melodrama. You went out with an asshole for 6 months. Bottom line. He was a dysfunctional idiot and played games with you the entire time obviously. She won? What did she win? She is an ass, he is an ass. They deserve each other because they are both losers. You won. Who the hell would want a piece of trash like him? He likes garbage, he doesnt want class or stability or normalcy, that is why he chose her. You need to take a long hard look at yourself instead of making up happy endings for two people that couldn’t have a normal relationship if they had an instruction manual. Get with reality, and out of soap opera land. He is garbage, you dodged a bullet, so stop feeling sorry for yourself and feel grateful. Sorry if I sound harsh but you need reality and need to get off fantasy island my friend.

      • oh and if you think social media is the truth, and portrays the truth, then you need to get off social media because you are too easily fooled. I could put all over social media that i am a purple kangaroo, that doesnt make it true.

  17. I was going through all the comments posted so far and it helped me to realise that i am not the only girl who faced the situation.
    My ex and i were in a fast relationship and suddenly his mother has asked to get back with his ex ( whome he has been praposed few years back ) this guy is mamaz boy. He said he wanna leave the relationship with me and get back with whom he is being praposed to.
    To be the very honest this feeling of betrayal sucks.Hope to handle this and balance the imotions well.

  18. My ex left me for his ex eight months ago, they had a volatile relationship and broke up because he’d cheated on her. I was heart broken at the time, but thought I’d got over him until I saw them together today. I knew they were still together but it knocked me for six seeing them. I think it’s because I’m feeling a bit disillusioned with dating at the mo and in my head I’ve convinced myself they’ve both changed and now in this happy, loving relationship. Looking back I can see he was sucking the life out of me, and I don’t think he’s capable of changing. I know the reality is that they’ve more then likely just picked up where they left off and that it’s still as toxic as ever, but for the first time in months I found myself missing him!! Aargh!

  19. Hello!
    Wow this is absolutely right.It’s almost identical to my story!
    I was with my boyfriend for four years.He was in a very unhappy relationship,then he met me.He claimed that he loved me and that he is finally very happy.We moved in together.At first his ex was very sad,but after few months she started texting him regularly.I really didn’t like that and I mentioned it,but I was trying to be understanding so I didn’t make a big fuss.He also doesn’t like jealous women so I try not to be one.He saw her every Sunday because they have grandchildren.I had my suspicions for a while,but I trusted him.He said she treated him like a dog so he will never go back to her!
    Even my friends were telling me not to worry as she is older and there is nothing special about her.And I was good real good to him,but as this article says I don’t think he likes that,I think he prefers to be ignored!
    Now he wants me to move out as quick as possible while he stays with his ex.He says the reasons why he broke up with me are all about me,but let’s be honest his ex showed him a bit of attention and he went all excited!
    But why I still don’t understand!
    Now I feel betrayed and very stupid for trusting him!
    I will try never to go for a previously taken man again!!

    • The warning signs were there, the texting and seeing her every Sunday. He could see the grandchildren without her if it was that important to him, and it would have been respectful to you. He never really cut the cord with her. No woman should cater to a man the way you did. You had a right to BE jealous and pissed off. If he doesnt like women who are jealous then dont do shit to MAKE THEM JEALOUS. You should have made a fuss about the texting because it was inappropriate and disrespectful. Never worry about taking a stand against bad behavior in a relationship. Let’s face it, if you don’t, it cannot stand a chance of being changed, and if it isn’t changed its going to screw up the relationship at some point anyway. Glad you are learning from your mistake and are moving on.

  20. Hello Sarah Adelle.
    I love how you respond to everyone. Keep up with the good work.
    Last year, I reached a point in my life where I din’t want to date around anymore and just wanted to settle down. I met this guy in April 2016. He pursued me intently for a few months before I agreed to date him. Due to my christian beliefs, I told him I wanted to practice celibacy until marriage. He said he couldn’t ‘wait’ so we agreed to part ways. He came back a few days later to say he’d wait because he wants me in his life and sees a future with me. So we become official but shortly after he began to pull away a little bit. Our communication also became a bit strained and we would have little arguments. He invited a girl to come spend some nights at his place without telling me. I asked him who she was and he said she’s just a friend. I broke up with him after that. He begged me for another chance which I gave him. One week after this, he breaks up with me saying he can no longer wait. I found out later that the girl he brought in was his ex who left him in Nov 2015. He told me he wanted us to stay friends but I refused and went NC on him. Some time passed and he started reaching out to me again telling me he wants to see me and stuff. I wanted him back and took this as as a sign that he wanted that too so we got together a couple of times. Then, I find out he’s still spending lots of time with his other ex. I told him I wasn’t gonna let him treat me as an option and that he must choose between me and her. I felt hurt all over again when he chose her. I decided then to move on with my life and let him be. He still texts me a lot and complains that I don’t reach out to him often. Why does he do this if he’s happy with her? Recently, he asked if he could come over so I could give him a dance tease. When I reminded him about his relationship, his response was ‘not everything revolves around that’. I called him out for acting confused and he responded by saying I was over-thinking things plus he wasn’t forcing me to do it. Also, he never fails to remind me that he isn’t confused and he’s happy in his new relationship. How do I interpret this behaviour?

    • I am seriously considering not answering any comments anymore. Why? Because the answers are pretty self evident. Interpret his behavior? How about seeing the obvious that he is a lying, cheating guy who doesn’t take relationships with anyone seriously. Why are you even speaking to this guy? Let him go, move on already.

  21. Wow this article hits the spot.
    I started dating this guy who had been separated from his wife for a year, but no divorce. He had dated two people already but nothing serious, and it seemed that they were on the same boat as far as never wanting to reconcile.

    He was perferct in every single way. Best relationship I’ve ever had, we had so much in common, we met each other’s families (his idea), we spent every day together (we work together too), and he told me all the time how great I was, and that I was everything he ever wanted (he was to me too, but I actually meant it, he didn’t), we went on trips, had all these deep talks about beliefs, values, fears, etc.

    His family and friends don’t like his ex, she was does some really crazy things.. she threw his things out once, threw his cat out in the street, attacked him multiple times (scratching, punching), smokes weed all day (which he doesn’t like at all), among other things. He had nothing but bad things to say about her.. I would ask what the positive things were and what he missed about her, he would always say that she was just a good actress and he got played, and made a mistake being with her…

    He then suggested we move in together. I’ve never loved anyone this much, so I agreed.
    For three weeks, it was like a fairy tale. Everything was perfect… then out of the blue he tells me he can’t do this, and that he wants to go back to his ex. He is not sure if she will take him, but he wants to try.

    I feel absolutely destroyed. I feel used, stupid, naive and disposable.

    Now I have to go pack my things and find a place to live… And I will still work with him at least a few times a week.
    I don’t know what to do… I’ve never really been in love or taken a chance on anyone before this, even though I’m almost 30, and I feel really broken.
    Any advice?

    • Learn from your mistake. Every relationship has some sort of risk, but only get involved with people that are actually SINGLE, as in DIVORCED from now on.

      • Thank you… I understand.. I’m really heartbroken. Due to work, avoiding contact won’t be an option.. Do you have any advice for me regarding that? How should I act? What should I do? How do I move on from this?
        I honestly thought he was the one.. He was perfect in every single way, or so it seemed…

        • Ok first get rid of the “he was perfect” thoughts of him and all that stuff. He was far from it. He acted “perfect” when he really is a lying, using, dysfunctional son of a bitch. It sucks that you got played, but you can get over this obviously. He is not a nice person, no nice person would do to you what he did. He is a dick. When you realize that, you will get more angry than sad and it makes it easier to get over it. Again, I am sorry this happened to you, but you deserved better than a man who only wants chaos in his relationships, and doesn’t want a great relationship like you could have offered him. His loss, not yours.

          • Thank you… I’m caught up in the eye of the storm.. It’s very hard to see this situation clearly right now, so I really appreciate your unbiased perspective.

            I know he was either lying to me, or lying to himself, but either way, it wasn’t real. I still can’t help it though. It felt perfect.. I know I should be pissed off right now, but I just feel sad that I wasn’t enough, and I miss him a lot, as irrational as it sounds.

            I will see him and work closely with him very, very often. Please, do you have any advice on how I should handle that?

  22. My fiancee dumps me saying he can’t move away from his ex he’s all she has they have been together 16 no kids from him. Devoriced 3 years. I didn’t know he stayed in touch with her so basically our re was a lie. What should I do

      • I have been seeing this mm on and off for 9 years. I have heard excuse after excuse why he could not leave his wife. So April the 28th, he moves and gets his apartment. Well, you would think things would get better, not the case. He behavior got even worse than it did when he was living with her. I understood not answering the phone then but what excuse was it not answering it now. None, so I think. He created so much drama that he knew I was going to react to and he walked away again. After I confronted him and asked him if this is how he wanted it, he told me in my face “you can go ahead and move on”, I’m tired. Well as much as it hurted me, it was what I needed and I told him that. Of course he says I misunderstood what he was saying and he has always loved and been in love with me and always will. Anyway, He called for a few days, to make it seem like he tried, and then stop. This Saturaday past, he calls around 11am and again 1130am and I didn’t answer. Honestly didn’t here the phone. Anyway, another message saying “I love you”. Well, not to mention, two weeks ago, he says he went to his wife, not ex, to pick up more cloths that he left. So I asked him where is her parking pass? he says he left it there. ok so why the day you tell me I can move on, the parking pass is in the window of your care again. When I mentioned that, he says oh, I knew you were coming up here so I put it in there. Really. Anyway, as painful as it was for me, after I tried to call him back that day and he did not answer the phone, I was done and changed my number. If you moved out to start a new life with someone you strung along for years, you would have moved everything and turned the parking pass and key in and I could go on but what is the purpose, we all know as long as I stuck around the game was still going to be played.

          • Thank you so much. The sad part about all this is I always dumm enough to keep pursuing him after we break up. Listening to his daughter making me feel guilty. Each time the same thing happened. The last time we broke up, he started seeing someone on the job where we met. He says that was to pay me back. Not to mention he was still living with his wife. Well I listened to his daughter again and went to see him and we got back together. Same thing happened again . except he move out but never left her,I think or went back to the other chick. Anyway the other day when. I was at work, logged into my IM and after a month or so of not hearing from her, the daughter says hello. I say hi. She says it is about time you came back to work. I says lol I know but I’m working from home. She says lucky you. The next day, I come in I seen I had a call on my desk phone. It was from one of the sites he work from. I know the number. My sister says keep my guard up. Especially since my last child is leaving for college soon and they know I got a nice promotion. They will at some point try to contact me again. What do you think. The pain and anger I fell right now is because I should have NEVER went back. We were apart for 6 months and I put myself right back in this situation again. Not sure what to do. Thoughts

          • Look, there is nothing more to say. It is about choices. Your choices. You either choose to stay in this dysfunctional situation and accept the responsibility and consequences for your choices, or you cut the ties, and move on with your life and find happiness. It’s that simple. You know better Trish, so either do better, or keep doing the wrong thing. You are no longer a victim, because if you deal with them again, you must take responsibility for allowing it to happen.

  23. I was with this one guy for about a month. He use to chase , I mean blow up my phone , FT me , always wanted to hang out , take me out for dinner . He really was trying to woo me I guess. Honestly I didn’t like him because I didn’t think he was my type , but he grew on me. I gave him a chance. He wanted to get an apartment together I was on board cause I was going with the flow , he also said he loved me probably after our 5th date lol, I thought it was kinda weird. I was on his FB one day and noticed that they use to be engaged a few months before they broke it off. I confronted him about and he took it down saying it’s the past and there’s nothing to worry about .He also told me all these horror stories about his ex gf , how she cheated on him twice and how she popped xanny and smoked weed everyday and how horrible and abusive she was , I was convinced that he’d never go back with her . Well probably A couple weeks into our relationship a friend of mine knew his ex gf and warned me and told me that they are always off and on and to be very careful. Well I confronted him about it cause I’m not with that on/off relationship shit. Well he assured me that they were NEVER gonna get back together and took me out to this expensive restaurant and bought me roses . It made me feel better but soon enough , I started getting this gut feeling that he was gonna get back with her and soon enough he did and said he was stressed out and confused and thought we were moving too fast. I told him I wasn’t moving too fast he was I was just going with the flow . He said that getting an apartment should’ve never been on his mind and saying i love you “slipped out” even though he said it multiple times . When I asked him if it was because of his ex and if he was still in love with her he said no and kept denying it . I looked on FB and now they are back together . I’m just really pissed that he wasn’t upfront and tried to play the victim the whole break up. I know I shouldn’t hold a grudge but I am . I always sit hoping and praying that his ex fucks up his life again . I don’t understand because I treated him sooooo good and it’s just shitty how he did me.

  24. I met John in July of 2016. I did not know had someone. When I found out in September I told him I had no time for him. He broke things of with her and we started our relationship. I was very interested in him. We went public and he removed all pics of social media with her. We were in a long distance relationship he would come to see me every 2 weeks to a month. We would have our mini getaways to Vegas. He started to become very jealous and controlling. I knew something was up. I broke things of with him in May 2017. I broke all lines of communication. I changed my number. Also all social media. I loved him very much. I reached out to him. He had turned cold as Ice. He came to see me 3 weeks later after the break up. 3 weeks later he was with his ex eating Mexican food in California. I sent him a text telling him thanks for confirming what I already knew was true. He called me immediately. I let him have it. He is blocked again from everything. I had lots of love for him but now I feel repulsed. I literally want to throw up. I lost all respect for him. I should have seen the red flags and acknowledge them and run as far as I could but we were crazy for one another. After the break up he went back to his ex. That only tells me the character he lacks. I know he’ll want me back. I don’t care. I am moving on. I am too good for this. I don’t wish him luck. I don’t wish him bad. I’m indifferent to him. He was the only man who ever played with my heart and emotions. I learned a lot from him. My walls aren’t coming down for a while. Because of my nature. I’m passionate and loving it won’t take long but I’m confident enough to know that I can sense a liar immediately. Thank you for this link. It confirms what ask women should know about those who have on/off relationships with the ex. always ask how long they had an ex.. Men need their egos stroked. Don’t fall in the game.

  25. Hi, well I met this guy and he said he was single but 6 months into the friendship/relationship I found out he was living with a woman for 11 years. he said the last two years of there relationship were very distant and bad. he said he did not love anymore. he finally moved out 6 months after she found out of the affair between us and we got together. well weve been together 5 months and he tells me he loves me and talk about the future and out of no where he is secretly talking to her and is getting back together with her. I feel like he lied to me all along and used me as a back up plan.

  26. Hi~
    I dated this person for 2 months. The feelings I had with her was the greatest. When we first started out, what she told me was the ex made her a fool and she never want to go through it again. She was happy she found happiness in me. As we start out, she and the ex, being colleagues and close friends, begin to have more interactions. They run together, they have a strong mutual group of friends they go out together for cakes and donuts. I wasn’t sure how to deal with all these so I tried to set boundaries and tried to tell her to let me know when she goes out with the ex. I will be okay because I tried to understand that they are friends. But she told me that they might be travelling together and etc…i got emotional and we had many back and forth discussion on this until come a point we decided we will be just friends and take time to know each other better. She said she wanted to move on but i kept bring up her past. All i wanted was to convince her to make me a priority while she continues to be with her ex in name of friends. But she said she chose neither of us but herself.
    The thing is, after that she took it well and moved on exceptionally happily. She continued to go out with the ex, to the house, to concerts and etc.
    I feel devastated each time I see their pictures together because the time I want so much from her is given to the ex who hurt her so deeply.
    Living now is worse than dying but because of family obligations, i have to live on. But i felt so hurt and unfair someone like the ex could spend the time with her yet I, who love her so heartedly is unable to. =( if i could restart i would have managed my emotions better and let them do what they want while get to be by her side. Now it is all too late and at the end of the day i feel so abandoned and unworthy. T_T
    I am still struggling to past by each day…and it’s taking a toll on me.

    • Sorry this happened to you, but it is obvious she is not ready to give anyone a real shot at a relationship with her. If her ex was so bad to her, why would she put her “friendship” with her ex as a priority over a chance at a good relationship? No one in their right mind WOULD. Only someone playing games would, and I am sorry to say, this person played with your emotions.

  27. We are both Christians active in different churches. We met 7 months ago and became serious for 6 months. We both have baggages we were dealing with. I’m getting divorced after being separated for 2 years and he split up with his baby mother for 2 years. (Our exs do not agree with our religion).We were both seriously committed and making plAns for the future. For about a month now were having strong arguments about each other’s ex’s. But mostly his. She always tried to sabotage our relationship. He told her he had no feelings for her and was done. He did show how much he loves me and proved it. We were soul mates. Out of the blue she was ok with me in the relationship And started to pull away. Now he states he is confused and needed time…. we broke up. We agreed to leave it alone . He tells me to wait to see what God has in store for us. Since we both have to deal with some past issues. Im so mad , sad, and heart broken. I saw the signs but I trusted his actions and words. I’ll be honest I feel like we are perfect for each other but not the right time.

  28. Ok so i found this great post from google due to my desperate search for some sort of answer.

    This man I met through Facebook talked on the phone probably 2 times a day more or less. We live in a different city and I didn’t want to have sex with him of course and decided it was worth the wait. He was so understanding , we had deep conversations and we both clicked and shared a lot of stuff together.. we had never met anyone in our life like that before .. hard to explain but we were going to date. We were really attracted to each other but our personalites together was like a Big Bang, matched made in heaven haha- true facts

    He then told me about his psycho ex girlfriend who harrrased him with multiple phone calls during every single day, she was really mean and wrote horrible stuff to him. He said that he just wanted to get her over-with so he could focus on us and our future together. He decided they needed to meet so he could tell her to stop and that it’s over etc.
    then later that day he sent me a text telling me they were going to try again and that they clearled some stuff up and now have sorted everything out and were going to date again. He even told me that they broke up this year in march and that they had a on-off relationship apparently. I didn’t think much of it and we discussed that situation a lot and he was really annoyed at that bitch.

    He told me his family have had complains about his girlfriends over the years and he said that he always chosen slutty girls.. and I am nothing like that, I know my worth, and that ex looks like an alien, she has done too many surgeries and look crazy

    I believed him but when I got his text saying that they were trying again actually broke my heart. I cried A LOT! I was devastated.. this was 3 days ago.

    What I believe is that she has the “mental power” on that poor guy.. she manipulates him and he falls for it. She is clearly a psycho and he told me he needed a change, I am very beautiful and he thought so as well and he said he loved my self worth and that it’s not something he’s used to…

    But in some way he chose her over me, I believe it’s only through manipulation. She has the power on him and treats him like shit and he is stupid enough to fuck our plans and future up.
    They will never have a successful relationship because they’ve done this on off stupid thing before.

    So here I am after meeting the “perfect man”. I’ve never met anyone like him before. He told me I was worth the wait and that we was going to meet this week. I’m so devasted!! He told me he always change phone number after he broke up with his past girlfriends.. so he told me he was going to call me the next day but I blocked him EVERYWHERE. I didn’t say a word, my mom helped me because otherwise I would’ve wrote Fuck Off or something.. but I didn’t. I left him with silence and I’m left alone. Hopefully he’ll understand what a terrible mistake he did and that he lost his chance. I know he’ll never find anyone like me again. His fucking loss.

    This makes me really disappointed and sad. It’s not the first guy that chose trashy, slutty and mean girlfriends over me.. I guess I’ve met the wrong guys.. but this one was different so I’m devasted. He kinda broke my heart lol

  29. i was about to go on a date recently with this i guy i liked for 6 months. i was so excited i told my closest friends and cousins about it. then he stated he couldn’t hang out because he was job hunting. we still met up despite his mishap and he dropped me off at home and we hugged. he even texted me bae and it made me feel so special. well, as i log onto my facebook, the first thing that popped up was his relationship status with his ex gf that he said cheated on him multiple times. i gave him as much advice as i could to let him know she isn’t worth his time anymore and he even stated he never would. how did this all happen overnight when he JUST called me bae and all these sweet nothings this past week? im so hurt and confused right now im at a loss for words.

    • You do realize people say things they don’t mean all the time, right? Forget about him calling you bae, because it obviously didn’t mean squat. Actions speak louder than words. Get over him and move on. Take the same advice you gave him, because HE isn’t worth YOUR time.

  30. I barely know him yet I feel heartbroken. Your article is really helping to put it into perspective. Thank you.

  31. Hi Sarah,

    Thank you SO much for writing this article. It was the most therapeutic thing I’ve read lately, and you are absolutely right.

    I went out with a guy last year I was crazy about. I felt a connection I hadn’t had with anyone in years. But the red flags were there- on our date, he mentioned that he just got out of a 3 year relationship only a few months before. He described that relationship and his ex as “miserable”. He said his friends had been encouraging him to leave for years. And he seemed very interested in me, mentioning how he hadn’t had that great of a time with anyone in years, making plans with me to go out again, etc. A few weeks later….he suddenly disappears.

    I think it’s safe to say he ran back to his “miserable” ex?

  32. I just recently had this experience where this guy I was seeing said a lot of bad things about his ex and didn’t want to get back with her like he said. Turns out he lied to me about that he had no choice but to go live with her because his family was moving, he was in financial trouble and swore he wouldn’t​ date her again. I should of known better. But I trusted him. He blocked me out of no where when we were going to be just friends, and I found out he was dating her 2 days after he broke it off with me.

    It’s not easy for me right now, but I deserve better.

  33. The guy I was seeing also went back to his ex ,we weren’t even broken up for a week yet but I kinda saw it coming because a couple of weeks ago, he called me and told me that he had good news. So intrigued I asked him to tell me, he had told me that he had bumped into his ex from 3 years ago…I was kind of in shock because I didn’t understand how this could be good news. I didn’t know what to say, so I said oh okay and asked him what happened. He then told me that no it was very awkward as there was still feelings there. I was so hurt coz I couldn’t believe the guy I had been see just told me that he still has feelings for his ex. Anyways I couldn’t get over it so I decided to end our relationship on weekend. I told him that I felt like he had changed and that I could no longer be the one who was trying to make this thing work. He then replies with a message telling me that we had an agreement that we weren’t gonna get too attached in the relationship. I was so shocked as I finally realized that he considered our relationship as a FWB. It really breaks ones soul when you actually realize that you have just been a pawn in someone’s life. I’m just glad that I ended things when I did coz I’m certain he would have left me for her anyways. It’s hard to fathom it though coz he was very into me in the beginning of our relationship but when he saw his ex, he changed. I’m very suspicious that he probably was seeing both of us at the same time coz how can we just be in a relationship with her in the less of week after the break up? It just doesn’t make sense.

  34. This has happened to me and the problem I have is that he keeps finding reasons to contact me – usually about his elderly Mum who is adorable and I love dearly but has lately brought the ex to my hairdresser to have her hair done. He still uses this one even though it is a distance away but this has really upset me!
    What is going on? Do I tell him to go rlsewhere or ignore it in the hope that she won’t bother again if she doesn’t get a reaction?

    • Just ignore him and don’t answer him when he contacts you so you can move on with your life. About the hairdresser? let her make the money. Who cares if she uses your hairdresser?

      • Good point Sarah Adelle !! I feel ignoring her is the way forward but the urge to smack her one is very strong!!! Lol

  35. Hello Sarah, This is weird but I have no one to ask on this matter. I dated an amazing guy, well man. We are both older and are looking to settle down. I’m 36 and he’s almost 40. we dated for about a month and it was so fun and great.. I was falling for him.. yea in such short amount of time. We had already made plans to meet up on a sunday and he text me sunday morning with… a really nice text. His words:
    Hey, so this is incredibly hard thing to do, but I have to tell you I’ve reconnected with an ex and we’re going to give it one more try. It’s incredibly hard because i really, really, really like you and think we can build something very special, But the truth is that I’ve only ben in love a couple of times in my entire life and I’m afraid that if I don’t give this on e more try I’ll always wonder what if. I absolutely loved every minute I spent with you and hope you don’t resent me for this. This sucks. I’m sorry.

    I cried and waited until I could think a little clearer. I responded:
    Thanks for being honest (as I wipe my tears) and I do wish you well. Everyone deserves to be happy… I’ll get there one day! You don’t need me to tell you how much you mean to me, it’s irrelevant now. Please take care of yourself! With a heavy heart i say Goodbye John doe.

    He then responds:
    Ugh! I hate this! Having you say goodbye hurts my heart. I can’t say goodbye to you, I can only say so long for now, and hope that I see you again at some point.

    I haven’t responded nor will I… this happened yesterday. I cried and thought all day long now i am a little better but so confused. I don’t know if i should fight for him or just let him go. Any advice will help me or guide me to making a good decision. What if he come back… I just don’t know, this all just happened and still so fresh.

    Thank you in advance,

    • LET HIM GO. He is a swine. Go find someone else. You knew him a short time and you can get over him. He has shown you enough of who he really is, you don’t need to know more and you don’t need allow him to treat you badly again. Breaking up over text? Trying to keep you on the hook? Getting you emotionally involved when he KNEW he wasn’t over his ex? This is a nice guy? nope.

          • He and i were on and off. The off being whevever he left me without a reason.. He would come back everytime saying he loves me and wants to marry me bla bla.. At a wedding he apparently met the so called ‘love of his life’ who he ws in a relationship wid for 2 yrs or something and they broke up god knows y. She didn’t hav a bf at the moment and she hooked up wid him and wanted to be with him so he left me for her… I forgave him everytime.. Now he’s gone

    • All I can tell you is that an almost identical situation with very similar text from “him” happened to me this past summer. We fell hard and fast for each other, and within several weeks, we were “in love,” and I was daring to think about a future with him. Note we are also both divorced — ages 49 and 47.

      At the 3-month mark, he told me he had “reconnected with the ex GF” — similar to your situation, similar texting, telling me how amazing I was but he had to try, etc. I let him go, and about 5 weeks later he was back, telling me he was now positively sure it was over, he was sure they would never speak again, and he now had closure. I was thrilled, overjoyed, filled with love, etc. yet I still had the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop and didn’t completely trust him.

      Fast forward 1 month — after taking me to my great-aunt’s 100th birthday party in NYC at the swanky restaurant, Lutece, he dropped me back off at my house (an hour’s drive) but said he had work to do the following morning so couldn’t stay the night. I thought nothing of it. At 7:30 a.m. the next day, I received a text telling me he couldn’t continue being romantically or emotionally involved with me anymore, told me — again — how I deserved the very best man in the world, but he just didn’t have feelings for me any longer. He proclaimed that he wanted us to continue being friends, and being so upset, I was willing to accept any crumb he’d give me. I was beyond crushed and devastated. So not only did he break up with me once, but now twice in one summer.

      And just to add to this awful story, a week later, he deleted me from his Facebook friends. I texted him, completely confused, as I thought he wanted to remain my friend. His response was that he had been “out over the weekend and didn’t want me to see who he had been with” and was afraid someone would tag him in a photo. A week later, as I was missing him, I tried to locate him on Facebook. Evidently, even though we weren’t friends any longer, I could still see his profile shot and home page. Wouldn’t you know — he had changed his photo to a shot of him and the “ex” GF, all smiley and happy — and he had changed his status from “single” to “in a relationship.” He hadn’t wasted any time.

      So…if you can learn anything from my story, I would just try to stay away from your BF as much as possible. Even if he does come around, the likelihood of him getting back together with you permanently is far from guaranteed!

      • Wow thank you Lauren. I am sorry to hear all this happened to you… I can only imaging your pain and confusion. But thank you again for sharing, I have so many feelings going on so its hard to process but I KNOW that a guy who rally really rally likes me will chose ME!!!! No matter what.. I am so worth it! and it’s his loss as it was for your guy, it’s a pattern they pick up. You seem to be in love with love, like me, or the idea of love. well I love me and i want the best for ME!!! Hope your find that magic soon enough! It’s never too late….. Cheers love!

  36. I met this guy a couple of months ago, it got serious pretty quick. he wanted me to meet his parents so i did, then he invited me to his family christmas so i went. i met his whole family. the day after christmas he asks me to block his ex for no reason. i finally get it out of him that they had met up that day and he was confused and needed to think. the next day he ignored me until finally telling me he wanted to be with me, that there was a reason it hadn’t worked with her. i told him how i felt, that he was only with me to make her jealous to get her back. i told him i’d give him another chance if she wasn’t in his life anymore so he sent me a screenshot of him telling her he’d moved on with me. i asked him to come over so we could talk in person to make us both feel better, he agreed. 20 minutes after he should’ve got to my place (30 min drive) he calls me twice and i miss the calls. the third on i answer and he tells me “i still want to marry her one day”. i hung up and threw the phone away. i’m never going back there but it’s hard to understand how people can be so cruel.

  37. I don’t know what I need, other than to stop feeling!! I was just dumped by my boyfriend of 5 years in order to get back with his ex wife. We’ve known each other since we were 12 (he liked to say he loved me since then). As you can see I am still swooning at the thought of him. A lot of life was lived in between then and now, we’re in our mid 40s. He’d been divorced for 2 years and did some time in prison. 8 months after his return we reconnected and started seeing each other. I know, not the smartest thing to date an ex-felon, but he was familiar. At the time the ex wasn’t allowing him to see his kids, which was breaking his heart (obviously not the only ones he was missing). When she finally started to let him see the kids (around 2 years into our relationship) of course he was overjoyed and I was supportive. Then spending time with the kids included her (co-parenting and making family memories for the kids, was the bullshit line I got). So…very long story short. I played the dutiful girlfriend and he was pursuing his ex every chance he got. He was speaking love, hope and commitment to me while she was living with another man and giving my man hopes of reconciliation. He prayed for his family to be reunited and it looks like that’s what he’ll get. Me on the other hand, I’m left with feeling like I got hit by a mack truck. Wanting him and knowing what the reality is. Trying to take the steps to heal and move on. Obsessing, overthinking, being distracted and can’t focus. And of course there are the tears. I sent him a letter describing the most hurtful things he’s ever done to me, and he replied with “I’m sorry, maybe we can talk in the future”, but I’ve had no contact since. I know it’s the best to cut and run, keep fighting the urge to have the “closure” conversation; which I know will only lead to more hurt feelings, ’cause if he was sorry, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. As I said at the top, not sure what I need to do with myself, just thankful there was a place to vent and read that I’m not as alone and broken as I feel.

    • Closure is something you give yourself, not something you get from someone else. It sounds like he blurred the lines of your relationship for a long time, and it is time you find yourself someone who puts you first.

  38. Hi.. My boyfriend I been knowing for 2 years now recently jus went back to his ex… In the beginning we were very cool… Friends but led 2 more… Even had a baby…I never knew anything about her… He had a tattoo on his arm of her name but told me it was his aunts name… When I got pregnant he immediately wanted me get an abortion but I couldn’t do that…. Anyways.. A family member of his played a joke on my phone claiming he was in love with this certain girl he never should’ve started this etc… Me I got upset tried 2 call him nothing… He later texted me back saying sorry it was his uncle it was a joke so on so fourth… I was too upset & hurt so he got mad @ me changed his number & all… Few weeks later we reconciled I forgave.. In my heart I knew something wasn’t right I searched her & actually found out she wasn’t a joke & they had been together since high school & was @ his family function with him as well… I confronted him he told me she is his ex she cheated on him ex didn’t wanna have nothing to do with her but his family loves her.. Couple months later she messages me on Facebook I again confronted him about it.. He tells me she just wanna ruin wat they have she’s a liar so fourth… Recently his feelings has changed a little towards me.. He sent me a message I replied & he never replied back at all.. I was worried something was wrong emailing sending texts nothing he blocked me on everything disconnected his phone deep down something else seemed wrong until a post was put up with a picture of him & her… My heart is so torn.. everything he has told me was nothing but lies… I’m so broken I don’t know were to go from here..

  39. my ex was in a 2 year relationship with his ex girlfriend, they always broke up and had fights. He then moved from france to London to work which is where I met him and we got into a relationship 4months later. We dated for 7months, it was perfect no arguments pure bliss, spending everyday together, he told me he doesn’t want his ex and I’m much more than she is. He then had to move back home to france cause of health issues and after 6 days I surprised him and he acted odd and distance… The next day I went back home and he told me he is going back to his ex and he might regret but he is doing this. I cried, he cried and it was emotional.

    1 month after our break up he contacts me and says he made a mistake and he knows he is meant to be with me. Fast forward now, we have been together for 3 and a half years no break, long distance and see each other often and were planning for a long time to move in with each other. I wasn’t going to live in France he didn’t want London so we both applied for the Canadian visa. We both receieved the visa before May and were planning on starting our lives together. During the summer we didn’t see much of each other because he wanted to be with his friends and family and so did I. But the calls and texts became ALOT less, was not calling me to see how I am, not responding to messages. Anyways I thought I leave him to it as we are moving in soon. So now we are heading to canada, all excited, he sold his car shipped all his things and me too, after we got to Canada he was being strange and weird but I thought he was just afraid of starting new, missing his friends and home sick. After 7 days in canada he was acting depressed, didn’t want to go out to see canada and was just quiet. So I asked if he is ok, he said it’s just a little stressful being away so far. As the days go on (now the 12th day) im talking and he is not hearing anything I’m saying so I sat down with him and asked him what’s going on…. He said he lost feelings for me and not Inlove anymore, of course that broke me and I was a mess!!! He said it’s just the distance but it will come back, but after 2 days it seems he already made up his mind. So I asked him again and he says he knows it’s not going to come back and he doesn’t want to be with me. He then acted cruel, laughing at texts when I was crying on the official break up it was just a complete different person!!! Saying he doesn’t want to touch me, kiss me or hold me and was getting really fustrated and I didn’t get why he was being so hurtful and mean to me. He then acted really really cold and I said ” do you have someone in france” he said no but I really don’t believe that.
    With all the cruel and mean actions and him treating me that way, I packed my things and left without him seeing me. He didn’t even try to see if I’m ok, see where I am. No concern what so ever!!!
    Now I’m realising and seeing things on facebook that he went back to his ex! It just hurts me after being together for that long and returning back. I feel used, manipulated and just hope and wish he regrets what he has done to me. I would NOT take him back but I want him to regret all of this, do you think he would regret?

  40. I met a guy on an online dating site. We exchanged fb right away and then numbers the next day. We spoke on the phone that night for 5 hrs and same with the next day… we just couldn’t stop talking via texts and small calls often through out the days. We went on a couple coffee dates and from there started full out dating. He said he had been single for 4 months and that that relationship before was about 5 months long. We dropped the love bomb fast and fell hard for one another. We have done things sexually together we never down before ever. He brought me to thanksgiving to meet his family ( never before had a girl met his family) that night he was showing me something on his phone… and I noticed a history with some M girl… I asked about it he said it was a 2 hr long conversation a couple weeks ago about school (they met at school and are taking the same thing but no longer in each other’s classes..thus is his ex) I wasn’t impressed but I thought fine. He asked me that night to be his gf officially but I told him I needed time. However we were still exclusive to eachother. So fast forward a couple weeks everything’s been going great. Talking about a future together alot and stuff. Well one day on fb I posted a funny meme to his wall. (First time I ever did that) he then right away deleted it and blocked his settings so no one could post on his wall. He came over laster that night I asked him about it. He said he did it so his ex wouldn’t get made…which made cause for concern we got into a fight and he left crying. I told him I felt he was hiding me…and that I wanted him to post a picture on his fb of him and I and a status about me. Which he went home and did. But I think he blocked her from seeing it.
    A few days later he came over to talk..which was a deep talk. He said they had been talking a lil she was having bf problems and depressed so he was trying to be helpful and that they said they love eachother. He said he only said it to be nice. I thought he was being honest and we talked more ,made love and ended on a good note that night. The next day we were both hungover but him really bad so he went home. The next day I suprised visited him with soup. .he wasn’t there . He told me he was napping but he lied. He went out shopping with M…. so I waited. When he got home I was there we talked and it was a tear fest. He said he was confused he loved us both he didn’t know what to do. **BUT all this time he’s said shes bipolar..me broke up with her..because she didn’t appreciate him and was never nice to him and they were hardly ever sexual. So I just don’t get how could he be confused when what he had was so great and he did say I’m the person who’s loved him more then anyone ever..
    Anyways that night when I was at his place I fb messaged her to say he is ny bf plz don’t be inappropriate and leave him be. She responded in shock told me I’m crazy and blocked me on fb . I left came home cried… talked to him for hrs on the phone he said alot of not nice things to me said he always loved her maybr I was a rebound maybe he didn’t feel what he felt for me ally sorts of stuff.. he..said opps he’s deleted me from fb but he ment to delete her… I said That’s a lie and he said yes it is. Then he blocked me on fb. She blocked him and deleted her self. He was crying hardover the phone as i was too. But when i asked.. why he was crying to me all those times he said because he didnt wanna lose me. Anyways he messaged me 2 days later saying that I’m the one he choses. ..I asked are you sure it’s not because she’s not talking to you anymore? he promised it wasnt. He said he doesn’t care I’m the one for him and he knows it. I’m the best choice for him and he loves me more. I chose to beleive this and try and give him another shot..but he hasn’t shown any action only uses words. Has had many excused ( sick hungover flue tooth infection ),not to see me and just keeps letting me down. He blew me off on his bday too. The next day I went to go suprise visit him again… and he ran to go hide something . He said it’s a love note from M .. she had someone at school give it to him for her on his bday. He said he’s shocked because he thought she hated him. And that they have ben texting now since… and again saying the love you . I asked if he did he saI’d yes in a way. I said do u want to be wih her he swears no and that she has a bf. But then I asked do u love me still. He also said in a way. I said did u wanna be wit me? he said he does but he doesn’t wanna keep letting me down and that’s all he sees happening. Once again I left in tears. I don’t get it… he’s always living he said he can’t help but lie and he doesn’t know why. He was hoping for the best of both worlds he guesses. But I thought what we had was special?! We have been texting and talking but his voice even seems weird on his end . I feel lm losing him and myself. I’m such the better catch. I feel lost. He just doesn’t know what he wants and he’s prolonging seeing me with every excuse in the book. I would think if it’s he he wants …he could just tell me and id be forever gone and I’ve told him that but he doesn’t.

  41. I was with this girl for 2 years, i knew her from work from 4 years ago at the time she had bf but when we meet 4 years ago at work we both knew we like each other but she would tell me how her bf didnt do anything for her but i didn’t want catch feeling so i just stop talking to her.. than 2 years ago some how we started talking again she told me she was still with him even tho he treated her bad and cheat on her.. i told her why are u still with him than.. than she told me u just open up my eyes so she left him than we starting talking but i would tell her you should work things out with your ex, she would tell me no i want be with u so after 6 months she was my gf at first i treated her like princess she would cry of happiness than i got too comfortable started calling her names made her cry wouldn’t value her she would tell me to change but i didn’t how she was still with me when i realize i was hurting her i try changing but i notice she was different she would get mad for everything so i would tell her are u talking to anyone else she told me no but her attitude was still the same so i break up with her i try working things out but she told me needed time after 2 weeks we broke i find out she was talking to her ex so she lie to me idk what do now im more hurt how i use to treat her.. and the 2 years we were together i never said i love u.. wat should i do move on if she try to come back i feel like it was my fault she also told she never had feelings for me when we broke up

    • My ex and I had a baby, he left after 3 months of her being born and was with his ex the day after.. She congratulated him when she was just born and I thought nothing of it then the weekend of fathers day he started acting weird and I found out he was back with her the next day. Then after a month he came back to me telling me he had made a huge mistake and he wanted to get back together after a day of him “trying” he told me he was sorry it didn’t work out the way I wanted too. He had already cheated on her twice with me and she had no idea. Then the next month did the same thing but this time they broke up, he had said he missed his family and seeing her and I everyday , once again he “tried” for a day then went back to her after a weekend saying once again he was sorry it didn’t work out the way I wanted it too. That he was completely done with me and was with her now and that he wasn’t coming back to me ever again. But this time it got bad and now I’m dealing with a custody battle. She uses my daughter against me, tons of pictures with her, always dropping her off at my house with him because she doesn’t trust him and other things as well.. I can’t seem to let go of him and I’m obsessed with how she tries to get my daughter to want her more than me.. This helped a lot tho..

  42. Here’s a good one: I was with a guy who was a few weeks out of a relationship with an ex he had cheated on at least once but probably more, had broken up and got back together with multiple times in the past year, and who had become a stripper just because he left her for a stripper once (so many red flags and more that aren’t worth mentioning because they have nothing to do with the ex and yet I allowed the relationship to grow)…So things are moving pretty fast with him and I have never been in a situation with a guy like this before. He’s very very different from anyone else I’ve every dated. All other men are stable, have great jobs, strong educational background and I’m on friendly terms still with all. Because they’ve all been reasonable people. He had a pretty unstable, troubled background that got very dark for awhile but he’s really done a lot and turned things around for himself and is a very talented personal trainer. He has so many great qualities and while I recognized the red flags – I mean I literally addressed them with myself and then put them aside. I didn’t bury them or forget them. Basically just let them exist and carried on – I wanted to believe he could man up. I really wanted to believe his strengths and great qualities would lead him to choose better for himself. Fast forward a month into what had been an easygoing but also emotionally intense relationship. For the third time now, the ex pops up. Typically he’d address any texts he’d get from her with me and point out how obsessive she’d been and can’t just leave him alone. She’d literally taken to borderline stalking, showing up at his work, family, and friends houses to tell them all kinds of things to undermine him everywhere. But this time was different. I see her number coming up on the screen on his car for a couple of days because he has his phone bluetooth connected to the car. He’d been upfront until now, so I wait until he says something. Which he does, but he says he needs to talk to her to sort things out because things have been taken too far and it’s impacting his circle of friends. Also that there are still intense emotions there, even from his end and things need to be dealt with. I ask him if he still loves her and if he wants to be with her still. He says no but I can tell from his tone that there’s something more going on. I press the issue and he says he just needs a day or two to sort out what’s going on and he wants to do that to be able to be sure about being with me. My response was essentially to kick him out of my apartment at that point and tell him I don’t want to be around him if he’s not certain about being with me over someone else. Not even 48 hours later he’s making it up to me and saying he’s beyond sorry and that he knows he loves me and that he’s never going to make me doubt him over her again. Fast forward 2 weeks when we are going out of town a couple days. Who should text but that same ex right as we are leaving? And then two days into the trip when she sees his snapchat she texts again apparently angry he’s traveling. At that point I’m just done because in my mind he should be cutting the cord and letting it all go. Especially if it had been worked out before. So I become completely shut off and over the course of the trip there’s very little romantic connection. Needless to say by the time we’re back in our home city, there is tension and a conversation is imminent. He starts first and says, while bawling his eyes out, how amazing of a woman I am and how I’m truly better than any woman he’s ever been with and that he loves me and we have a connection but he needs more. We’d been together for a month and a half, and many times before the trip he told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, and on and on. With all this in mind, I asked him how much more he could possibly expect in a month in a half and that things are already going so fast. He said he doesn’t know but that he should be feeling more. I of course ask if this is still about the ex and he says no. But that I’m not as emotionally open as he’s used to and he’s used to being chased by women and feeling constantly needed (as he’s evidently used to dating women with low self esteem, considering the number of times his ex has taken this asshole back). I tell him that’s not going to be me and that I’ve already put myself out there more than I have for any other man. So in this entire conversation he’s bawling his eyes out and looks petrified I won’t be around anymore when I tell him I’m not returning to the gym he works at anymore for the personal training classes. This prompts him to tell me he does care about me and loves me but doesn’t know what’s wrong with him or why he feels like he needs more. But I got out of the car nonetheless and that was it. Next thing I know, 5 days later there are posts on fb of him and his ex working out together. I’m not searching for these things, they’re just on my newsfeed. I’m sure they’re back together and it just blows my mind.
    I know it’s petty but I know that by not contacting him he will eventually come around because men can’t stand not having control. And a small part of me will love it when he does because all I want to be able to say to him is that he’s out of his god damn mind if he thinks I’m like the other women he’s been with who he’s walked all over.
    I’m over the shock of the whole thing, but I suppose I’ve taken the time to write all this because my pride is hurt. I know my worth. But he chose someone with so little self respect and that has me angry because I set aside my usual standards for him. Because I really wanted to believe in him. It was a good lesson in not compromising. I believe love requires you to do so in certain ways, but not when someone doesn’t value your worth.

    • He chose to be with someone who is a reflection of him. Never set aside your standards, and always be suspicious of relationships that move way too fast. The fact that he didn’t block his ex from communicating with him was a red flag too. Bounce him off your social media as soon as possible.

  43. Hi,I just had a tragic breakup. It was my best friend who did it which completely shattered me. I have known him for the past 5 years, as best friends we shared, every tiny little thing and now he hurt me exactly where I thought he wouldn’t. We had started dating 4 months back when he confessed his feelings for me(finally).I fell for him no sooner we shared every secrets to each other but since I had a boyfriend and NEVER EVER wanted to lose my friendship with him I chose to be mum.Mind you he was also dating and its been almost 7yrs when he confessed his feelings for me and broke up with her (since he says he found that she cheated on him).Now after dating for 4 months in a long distance relationship, she came back to him and he somehow found that she never cheated on him(I do think she did knowing her personally) and now he broke up with me saying that he was never over his ex and it will always be his ex over me. He claims to be “just friends”, “needs break from me as well as her” but I can still see him posting pics with her on social media. I hate him for doing this, he actually went up to her and kissed her while we were still dating, I had to convince him to tell me the truth and he simply broke up with me over texts. I never thought he would leave me like that, doesn’t want to meet me, blocked all my calls and stuff , I am shattered and he’s happily leading his life.. I so hate both of them but I do know that some part of me still misses him and I really wanna get back with him or either get a closure that I don’t seem to be getting. Please help me I am going nuts, I cannot see him go I am under depression and ths is the second time that I have to let go my ex (for his ex). Please help…!!! I badly need to talk to him. Breakup with best friend is really worse bcz they hurt you exactly where it hurts the most, please help. Shall I be living under hopes? Because the way he’s treating me these days is soo “not” him at least I know him that well..I just want him to be with me..Mind you I really cann’t seem to move on..its almost a month since our breakup and I am crying each night.

    • You have to let him go. You cannot force him to be with you. Talking to him won’t change anything, and crying doesn’t do anything. Find a way to live your life without it, because that is what you have to do for now.

      • But he was the only one person I shared everything with.
        Now I am sitting here without any friends, lost my boyfriend cum best friend and have nothing to do with my life.
        I know I cannot force him to love me, I just need him even though as friends but I need to talk to him everyday like things were before. This really is killing me, and sadly he’s not understanding anything. I do respect his privacy so maintained a distance from him, but he won’t even meet me inspite of me making a move..I just need a closure, or I will go mad!! 🙁 🙁
        I am heartbroken, second time failed in love and I don’t see any good thing coming my way.

        • No one gives you closure, you get it yourself. He already said enough, there is nothing left he wants to say. He doesn’t want to talk every day, he doesn’t want to meet, and you need to accept that. Since he obviously isn’t a good friend or he wouldn’t have done this in the first place, you would be better off finding real friends than chasing after a false friend.

          • Thanks for your quick response but I just don’t think I’m gonna be able to trust anyone anymore after this..I know my worth and now I’m finally gonna stop. If he doesn’t value me, my friendship or my love then sadly its gonna be his loss not mine. I just need to focus on myself to try and be independent nw and I swear I’m not gonna trust anyone anymore now

  44. I was with my boyfriend just over a year. He, his friends and family all spoke negatively about his ex. She wasn’t a nice person in general and that she treated him really badly. When I spoke about her with him he would say that he didn’t like her and that he wanted to concentrate on us rather than him and her as she was history. I respected what he said and we spoke about her no more. A week before we broke up I had found out through his family that she had got in touch again after having no contact what so ever face to face or through social media for almost 2 years. All his family and friends told me was that I had nothing to worry about as they hated each other. I ended it because his whole attitude changed with me when they got in contact. A week after ending it I heard that he had started seeing her. I feel like for a year I was used, I gave him everything I could and all through our relationship I was putting most of the effort to keep it afloat, he had before getting with me suffered with depression and I believe he had mild bipolar which his ex has severely. I can’t understand why he has gone back to her and I can’t get my heard round weather or not I was a rebound from her and used or not. All his friends and family were devistated that our relationship didn’t last as they thought I was really good to him and they wished he had made more effort with me. I just can’t understand why he’s gone back to someone putting more effort into her than he did me when she treats him so badly. Was I anything to him, we had some amazing times and we got on so well, we could talk about anything with each other and we went through a lot, so for him to go back to someone he was with for less that 3 months confused me so much when we had such a good relationship to be ruined by them both getting in touch again.

  45. This happened to me just a few months ago. They broke up in April and we didnt start going out until July, a month later he doesnt even tell me that he wants to get back with her and just does it without even telling me but i found out thorugh her messgaing me off his phone, so im really upset about eveerything still and i dont know how to change and get over everything…. i thought our realtionship would be different but guess not, alway excpect the excpected….

  46. This just happened to me this week. We have been together 3 years and 1 month. He told me Sunday (after I received a text from the ex’s sister saying they were sleeping together) she had been wanting him to come back and he wasn’t sure what to do because not being around his kids each day was going to drive him crazy. They were horrible when they were together and both miserable. They have 3 kids and she is not a great mom. She “homeschools” the kids but none of them can read. I asked him what he wanted and he said he wasn’t sure he really wanted to be around his kids each day. I told him if he wasn’t sure he needed to leave that day, that I couldn’t go on like that. He left. He went from my house to hers in the same day. It makes me sick. I should have known since they had a history years ago of getting back together and also because he had not finalized their divorce. Live and learn I guess but it sure hurts. I never thought it would end like that.

  47. thank you sarah
    i am living with the hope that he will change once he marry me and having baby. until then i am going to hold him by threaten him( he is soo scared of his reputation) after marriage if he still didn’t change then i will let him go n i will live my life with my baby happily. atleast i have someone to live my life with……..i sounds stupid but sarah i just want that at the moment later i don’t know…………..

  48. hello sarah
    my bf me we been in relation for like 8 months, he is kind of womanizer but very good as a person and respected. he have another gf in america they been in relation from 2013 ( came to know from his frds) then when i asked him he got mad n broke up with me for like a month.. i still contacted him n went to meet him( we are in long distance relation)then we got back together. later he proposed me for the marriage and we planned everything he even told my mom he wants to marry me, but then later after few weeks he is we are not working since i been complaining him to leave his other gf( but he keep asking me for time) due to that we argue most of the time. few days back he said he wants break up with me saying i am irritating him. he don’t even wanna talk to me nicely. i begged him i cried n did everything still he is farm with his decision then few days back i told him i will commit suicide if he break up with me because my whole family and relatives knows that we re marrying in 2017 march but from his side no one knows about us. its soo painful…. now he is still talks to me once in a day for like 5 mins just because he is scared….what to do now even i am stucked i am supposed to go n meet him in nov. i can’t leave him i don’t want to hurt my parents especially my mom … if i tell her second time she will be hurt badly i am only her daughter.

    • He is not even single enough to be your boyfriend but you think he is going to marry you? This is not a good man. He is a liar, a cheater, and a manipulator. It is your life, you do want you want. If you want to waste your time with someone who is using you, then that is on YOU. You aren’t stuck, it isn’t about your parents, it is YOUR decision. Your parents would not want you to marry some man who lies, cheats, and treats you like garbage. You have been his little affair on the side, nothing more. Sorry if this hurts you, but you need to hear the truth. What you do with it is up to you.

  49. I’m in the Sam boat! I was seeing a separated man, before I met him he said his wife had kicked him out a few time but when I met him he said they was in the process off divorce and they wouldn’t be getting back together which I stupidly believe as we got on so well, fast foward 8 months together one morning his phone was constantly ringing & ringing over & over again and texts were flying through so I got curious and looked and the woman new my name and was asking about me so I contacted her myself asking what he problem is and she started saying he always cheated on her, he beat her and portrayed him in a bad light so I message him and told him never to contact me again, he started begging me to talk to him and telling me she is only saying that to mess things up with us, after I calmed down I called him a few days later to let him explain and guess what? He was back with his wife! He blocked me and told me on the phone he only wanted me for comfort, only when he was drunk, I could hear his wife in the background saying stuff aswel…after a few weeks I was out one day and seen him and his wife together, she approached me telling me she only back with him to ruin everything he has so I told her i wasn’t interested, she also told me he was using me and he will never stop loving her l trying to make me feel small…by the way we drink at the same bar so I layed low for a few months to let things call off then he starts asking my friends how I am which I tell my friends to ignore him, now I had a night out recently and he was there with his wife and I was there with friends as it was my brothers birthday and I felt intimidated because he kept starting at me all night and it was making me feel really bad…tbh ive learnt my mistake and will never go with a separated man ever again, I cannot begin to say how much I regret ever giving him my time!

  50. My baby father was in a relationship with his ex 2 years ago they were together for 5 years and got pregnant by other man she was cheating on him with males and females I met him a year ago and got pregnant right away we were fighting since the beginning of the relationship I always kept leaving him and he kept coming back and I will take back thinking he will change his abusive ways now that my baby is born I found out he was cheating on me with his ex he says it happened bc I kept leaving him and made him feel unwanted its the truth he was so abusive I just wanted him gone bit idk why is hurting me to know he is back with her. I am so confused.

    • It hurts because you found out another way he treated you bad. Stay away from that abusive man and his behavior and find someone that will treat you right. You deserve better and so does your child.

      • Thanks for your quick response. I see a lot of stories here similar to mines so a lot of my questions have been answered. All I do is pray to God that he takes all good and bad feelings I have for him I still cry everyday because I wanted a family I been thru so much in life and also had a lot of unfaithful man and I thought he was the one but once I got pregnant everything changed it turned into a nightmare. Seen my daughters face makes me cry so bad she looks just like him and it hurts me bc I feel like I’ve failed her. I work a full time job have my own apartment and pay my own bills his mother takes care of my baby its been 3 weeks since I told him to get his things and leave so everyday that I drop or pick my baby I feel anxious and nervous feel down inside. He hasn’t looked for me since. I still have that stupid “Hope” I am trying my best to not think about him but it is so hard. He doesn’t take care of my baby at all he beated me humiliated me talk down looked at me in disgust after I had the baby never paid rent or any bills he is spoiled rotten showed no remorse but then again my dumb self still has hope smh… I have made my 1st step and that was to change my number but he still knows where I leave even thou I doubt he’ll come knocking at my door bc he says I cheated too but anyways I know ill have to see him one day but that day I hope ill be strong enough to say no I can not be a fool no more. Sometimes I get so mad I want to grab my phone and let him know my pain and say mean things but I know i will only be giving him power over me once again.

  51. I dated some guy God two years and i had to leave him. He was an addict. He harassed me and did anything to get my attention. I moved on with my life. He started dating this girl who was a worse addict with two girl by two different men and shes nit even 20 yet. She dosent have either of the kids. They broke up and months later me and him got back together because i love him and he was clean (sober). We broke up for a day and he slept with her. I found out because it was on video that got sent to me two days ago in the moring. I dont know if i should stay or leave. Is that considered cheating to anyone??. He never told me he just lied to my face. I had to beg him for hours to tell me the truth. This article makes since but did i get left for her and brought back because she dont want him anymore?

  52. Hey Sarah!

    So me and my boyfriend recently broke up. We had been together for a little over 8 months. A few days after we hit 8 months, as well as a few days after my last time seeing him, he broke up with me, through text.

    It was so random and caught me entirely off guard. I had just seen him a few days prior and we had a great day. So instantly I cried. I didn’t know what to say so I just replied “Okay” in response to the long breakup. I began thinking of everything I did wrong and what would make him leave me like that. Finally, after a few days of crying of course, I text him.

    I sent him a long message about my feelings, since I was not satisfied with my “Okay”. He replied telling me, he deleted it because he had too much stuff going on right now and he didn’t want to see anymore crap. Which caused me to cry all over again. I was also pissed, which resulted in me snapping a bit, which ended in me saying “Have a great life”

    But, the next day I texted him once again. This time asking him to just simply tell me What I did wrong / Why he left.

    He stated I was needy (Which I was already aware of. He had been saying that since we got together so seeing him state it again didn’t phase me. I mean I warned him when we got together I was needy so nothing new there) AND that a girl from his past had came back around and they fell for each other.

    I was so shocked. We have been through a lot (And I mean A LOT. Even though 8 months may not been a long time, we still went through so much together), so for him to throw away all of it in a day for a girl was shocking. It just seemed out of character for him since he had been such a great guy through the whole relationship.

    A few more days later, I started posting things on Instagram to basically throw shade at him (Immature I know but he didn’t read my message about my feelings so what else was a girl to do?) He began to follow in my footsteps and do the same. This resulted in me making a post saying ‘If anyone had a problem with the things I was posting, to hit me up directly. If not, stfu and carry on”.

    So, surprisingly, he sent me a direct message saying, (and this is just a sum up) that ‘His feelings for me were true but he loved her. He never mention her being an Ex to me before so I was unaware that she and him had a history together. He said when she left he was hurt but tried to move on with his life, since he thought he’d never see her again, but when he saw her again (The day he left me), she claimed she still had feeling for him so they decided to just try to take off where they left off again. He then finished off with How he know I must hate him, but I need to move on from this anger and enjoy life.”

    I replied with How I wish he would’ve said that in the beginning instead of the random breakup he hit me with, and how I had been so confused, thinking I did something wrong to push him in her arms. I also added that I respected his choice because she was first and that I wish him well. I stated how I didn’t hate him, Hurt? Yes, but hate? No. I apologized for my silly posts (Which I took down, as a agreement that he take his down too) and thanked him for telling me the honest truth. I told him I understood and I wished him nothing but the best.

    He replied with “Thank you for understanding. I’m sorry I hurt you. You have a greater life, honestly, you truly deserve it. Bye bye.”

    I did cry once more. Yes, I understood his reason because once upon a time I felt the same thing. I loved a man and thought that if he ever came back, Id drop the person I was with for him. But I got over that quickly once I met my now ex. Even though I few things still don’t add up, I do believe in his reason.

    Yet I can’t accept it. I mean we were each others first. He had many problems (Depression, Anxiety, Family issues, Health problems, etc) but I still stuck by him through it all. Where was she? Off doing who knows what. So now that I’ve helped him, plus he is also on medication, She comes, swoops in, and takes him. I’m just in shock.

    I want him back. Yes, he has many problems. Some say I should be lucky to be rid of him but that’s not how I feel about it. He made me feel so special and accepted me as I am, just like I did him. We helped each other grow, Emotionally and Intimately. I just can’t loose him like this. We have so much in common, from just the little things to our future goals. He is honestly someone I can see myself growing with and building a life with in the future.

    I can’t say much about her though. Now I will admit I do know of her. She had texted him about 6 months in our relationship. But he didn’t tell me she was an ex so I didn’t care much of it because she was a friends from the past. I trusted him so I didn’t make a big deal out of it. Besides, I went trhough their messages and it was nothing too bad. They was a I miss you, but he really send one back. I shook it off because I assumed she missed him, as I miss a few of my friends. She did follow him on Instagram and knew of me. Sometimes she asked What he was doing when I was around and he’d reply with something like “Hanging with my girlfriend” Or “About to take my girlfriend home” or something. He’d tell the truth. And I’ve seen messages like “Oh you have a girlfriend? Awee!” (Basically she was happy for him). But that’s about it. I dont really know nothing of their bond or past. Just that he loved her and they were never sexual. That’s all I know. And I know I should be mad at him cause of course he left but She Knew about me so I am just as mad at her for coming around and telling him about Her Feelings she still have for him.

    Anyways we are still friends on Facebook and still follow each other on Instagram. I highly doubt he’ll block me since we made peace and all. But it’s clear we wont be texting as friends or anything. At least not until they split.

    Any advice on what I should do?? All I know to do now is to take a break from him, “No Contact period”, and to focus on myself for a bit. Hit the gym a bit, get a new hair style, some new clothes, and hang with some of my friends to take my mind off of it. Then once I’m feeling up to it, take some amazing pics of my new, positive life, so that he can see what he is missing. (Yes I am also doing this to better myself but If I don’t post it then he won’t see it.) But besides all that, I don’t know what else to do. When I thought he just broke up with me cause “He had took much stuff going on” I just assumed after a week or two he come back (Because we have taken a break before. It was a mutual decision and it only lasted 2 weeks). But now that I know he left me and jumped into another relationship. I don’t know how long it might take. So yeah, any advice?? (If you need any more details or have any follow up questions, I’d be happy to supply you with the answers.)


  53. Omg I swear this just happened to me. My ex used to come over my house to tattoo me he was always like he and his girlfriend aren’t working out. 8 months later he texts me says lets meet up he says they broke up then he jumps in relationship with me he was like im so over her. We were together for two years off and on he started acting shady one day everytime I’d ask him to spend the night towards the end of our relationship he always had a excuse and he was texting someone all the time when he was with me like I totally knew something was wrong. So I dumped him he felt salty about the situation saying he would never leave me alone only way he would is if i changed my number. Long story short something ended up happening he texted my phone asking how I was doing have a good day and I’ll be texting you again. Fast foward I hear through the grape vine he’s engaged to his ex I’m like what on earth this is crazy. He was always like she’s no fun they never went out and me and him always did she would never do the things I do and now their back together but hes texting my phone on the slide thats totally crazy. Then fast forward some more we end up in a conversation and he admits he still loves me and wants to be friends with me again I’m like oh H no this is how this all started in the first place I was the friend slash tattoo client. Basically this whole cycle is totally nuts and I’m not about to be his rebound I think not.

  54. This is my experienced just today. My “ex” as we broke up today told me that he has some feelings again after the long talking and crying with his considered “ex wife” but they are still married. I have meet him online however before we became together last Feb. we were chatting on skype for 6 months befor finally met. We spent 12 days together as vacation in my country and told me that his 12 days vacation is the best days he has ever had the entire life. He told me he was divorced for more than 2 years already and last Feb. before we met personally his ex went back to their owned house from renting her own flat due to their son has Aspergers and OCD. She doesn’t know us and my ex told me and always assures me that i am the one he loves now deeply and i am the one who makes him very happy. He even planned to come back again very soon but always have some bullsh**t things happened not to come or maybe it were all excuses. Then recently, he told me that by July they will sell their house as that is what they agreed before but his ex told him to just wait until their daughter finishes her final exam so she will not worry about anything and only focus. Then the exam finished, his ex asked for another time after tje graduation. When he wanted to talk to her about selling the house, she asked him if they can try again one more time because she has love for him all along. He was at first very firm he wont go back to her. And that time i still dont know that they are officially married together, which i thought were already divorced long time ago. Then he asked me to be patient for him, to support him and continue loving him. Yes we fought sometimes because of her and his situation but he ended up begging for me to accept him back and wait until they sell the house and he can buy his own place. I did because i love him and even until now i do love him so much. But this morning he sent me a message that they had a long talked yesterday and crying and get emotional and after that he felt some love to his ex wife again. I was so shocked because before he went out to talk to his ex he told me to trust him and believe on him. It is so painful very very painful. And we didnt talk properly why he decided to come back to her, he only sent me a message that he will do what is best for his son who has aspergers and ocd. But i dont believe that it is just their son, and i feel like i am being betrayed, used and played for the whole time. Please tell me what to do, he asked me not to talk for a week or 2 then we can talk again after that and be friends. I dont know because it is too painful and i want him back so much. I love him but i feel he only played and used my feelings for him.

  55. My “ex” as we broke up today told me that he has some feelings again after the long talking and crying with his considered “ex wife” but they are still married. I have meet him online however before we became together last Feb. we were chatting on skype for 6 months befor finally met. We spent 12 days together as vacation in my country and told me that his 12 days vacation is the best days he has ever had the entire life. He told me he was divorced for more than 2 years already and last Feb. before we met personally his ex went back to their owned house from renting her own flat due to their son has Aspergers and OCD. She doesn’t know us and my ex told me and always assures me that i am the one he loves now deeply and i am the one who makes him very happy. He even planned to come back again very soon but always have some bullsh**t things happened not to come or maybe it were all excuses. Then recently, he told me that by July they will sell their house as that is what they agreed before but his ex told him to just wait until their daughter finishes her final exam so she will not worry about anything and only focus. Then the exam finished, his ex asked for another time after tje graduation. When he wanted to talk to her about selling the house, she asked him if they can try again one more time because she has love for him all along. He was at first very firm he wont go back to her. And that time i still dont know that they are officially married together, which i thought were already divorced long time ago. Then he asked me to be patient for him, to support him and continue loving him. Yes we fought sometimes because of her and his situation but he ended up begging for me to accept him back and wait until they sell the house and he can buy his own place. I did because i love him and even until now i do love him so much. But this morning he sent me a message that they had a long talked yesterday and crying and get emotional and after that he felt some love to his ex wife again. I was so shocked because before he went out to talk to his ex he told me to trust him and believe on him. It is so painful very very painful. And we didnt talk properly why he decided to come back to her, he only sent me a message that he will do what is best for his son who has aspergers and ocd. But i dont believe that it is just their son, and i feel like i am being betrayed, used and played for the whole time. Please tell me what to do, he asked me not to talk for a week or 2 then we can talk again after that and be friends. I dont know because it is too painful and i want him back so much. I love him but i feel he only played and used my feelings for him.

    • He played you, and wants to continue playing you. He lied and mislead you all along. That is on him, because you didnt know any better. Now you do. Who you thought he was was not who he really IS. if you take him back, don’t complain when he lies again, uses you again, or makes you cry again, because now you do know better.

      • Thanks so much Sarah.. This morning he sent me message over skype and told me he wants to be with me andh e loves me very much. But he chose his sick son over anything. He told me he let me go because he loves me and he doesnt know until when he will be in that situation. It is so painful, what will i do to lessen the pain i feel?

  56. My BF of 3 months just left me to go back to the woman who broke up with him 7 months ago. They had a very long distance relationship with a 4-5 hour drive each way. She had left her husband to date him and was unofficially separated. They had known each other when they were in grade school together but moved away. My BF has been legally separated for 10 years. According to him, she had one day out of the blue decided to go back to her husband and 3 kids to try and make it work for the “sake of the family” but swore in March when he met me he was over her and that although she and her children would have a place in his heart, he was completely over her.

    I am divorced with 2 children in my late 40s. Our relationship was intense and wonderful — he was romantic, helped my kids and I move into my new townhouse, brought me flowers and small gifts and confided he was falling in love with me and felt like he had been “given a 2nd chance” on love. He pursued me like nobody else ever did before, and he was perfect for me in my eyes. He started pulling away from me 2 weeks before he broke it off. He said he was feeling physically and emotionally disconnected from me and it was freaking him out. I felt like I had the cooties and began feeling anxious. He said he was confused and felt like he was “cheating on someone” every time we touched. And so…he said he needed some time to figure out why he was depressed and feeling so confused. Two weeks later, he said he realized he still had feelings for his ex and had reached out to her. Surprise, surprise…she still had feelings for him too and said she couldn’t make it work any longer with her husband. He said he needed to follow his heart and see what happened with her. And BTW, could we still be friends because I was an awesome friend, mother, girlfriend and lover?!?! I told him no, we could not be friends and that he’d ripped my heart into a million pieces. He said he didn’t know what the future held but he wouldn’t even try to come back to me unless he could be sure of things and give me 100% which he couldn’t give me right now.

    I feel thrown away and horrible. I love him and don’t see why he would run back to someone who already rejected him once and is geographically undesirable. We were compatible as friends, not just as lovers. He loved my 2 girls, and I was so sure we were meant to be on so many different levels. We had met each other’s families and friends and seemed like a solid couple. My brain keeps wishing and hoping that they’ll crash and burn and he’ll realize the mistake he made, but I also know I can’t sit around waiting for him either. He threw away probably one of the best relationships he could have ever had, and I feel physically sick thinking about him going back to her. Weekends are the worst when I know he could be with her. I don’t know how I’m every going to move on — he only officially ended it a week ago but I’ve been dealing with this saga for over 3 weeks now, and I can’t stop crying or feeling sick to my stomach.

    • All due respect but this was a three month relationship. You’ll get over it if you allow yourself to. The beginning of a relationship isn’t totally real. He was obviously not over his ex, and that relationship wasnt real either. They will stay dysfunctional, be glad you dodged a bullet.

  57. I dated my ex for 18 months. He is divorce for pass three years. He said he will never go back to his ex. She moved out left kids with him 13 and 14 at the time and she came back saw him happy . And started to poison the daughter which the daughter started to do stuff where she and the mother got together where my ex decided to give her another chance and make daughter happy. I don’t care but the way how he did it it really hurts. He broke up with me on the phone . Which I felt he was a coward.but I wish him luck.

  58. So i met this guy through a mutual friend about a year after he broke up with his ex. i questioned him and he said he was totally over her… we began dating. He was really sweet honestly the best relationship i had been in. We met each others family, friends and the works. He was the 1st guy i had slept with (im 25) really thought we were partners forever. In January 2016 he told me that he had started seeing his ex in november 2015 which was 6months of us dating and she got pregnant. i was devastated but he begged me to stay and comforted and reassured me that he needed me… i did stay. His ex lost the baby few weeks after he told me (didnt think she was ever pregnant) and he decided he will never see her again and we could move on. He did everything to regain my trust. I was in awww and certainly believed him. A few months later he began telling me he speaks with his ex almost everyday but nothing to worry about because he has never met her since he cheated and it was not in his nature to just drop someone but i have nothing to fear. I had my doubts but i really loved him and he said he loved me. There is also a special bond when you hv sex with someone we still made future plans and did everything almost together. Overtime i asked him to quit speaking with her if he really needed me in his life and he did. However few months after he told me there is an urge to see his ex and he still loves her. He broke up with me saying he will hurt me if he stays because he needs his ex. He said he knows he will regret the decision but he has to. He blocked and deleted me from everything so i have no contact.Now 2weeks since we broke up and it hurts like the 1st day it happened. Went to the beach recently and bumped into him and his ex there cuddling and it tore me up seeing them together… I flipped and walked up to them n slapped him in the face. He told me never to speak to him again but he had already made that clear wen he blocked me. And i keep thinking he can block me but he could not have stopped communicating with her. I feel isolated and really hurt why did he beg me to stay in the first place after he cheated if he knew he loved her. I could hv already started healing. Truth is i know they will not last and secretly hoping he will come bck. I know i should not take him bck but im really afraid if he does i may take him bck. My heart aches, i cry everyday i cant eat properly my mind just keeps working.

    • I don’t know what you want me to say. The guy is a lying, cheating, manipulative bastard. You kept making excuses and falling for it. You want to take that back? Then accept the consequences if you do like a big girl and stop making excuses.

      • Im not making excuses for him… i know he is all of this but it doesnt hurt any less. I’m hoping by the time he realizes his mistake I will be strong enough to say NO go bck to where you belong.

  59. My neighbor started talking to me last week and eventually we started to text back and forth. He said he didn’t want a serious relationship just to have some fun. Like FWB. I was like sure because I was single also. But nothing ever happened and found out a few days ago that he got back together with his ex even though he told me that he didn’t want anything serious. So did he just play me or what do you think.

  60. Hi again – this is Mary – I wrote back in April and you kindly gave advice to move on and forget about a married man who cheated on his wife with me for many years. I have been doing this and putting my heart and soul into focusing on myself and my future. I have started meditation, done courses on self compassion, I have reconnected with old friends I have even put my house up for sale and will move to another part of town that have no memories for me to start my life again. Though I sometimes have dark periods mostly I listen to positive podcasts, speak with friends and keep busy. He finished it with me in February to go back to his wife and I hurt like hell but have worked hard to move on. Because we work together I see him all the time but I’ve been really careful to avoid him as best I can and just be professional. Last week he rang me and for the first time since we split I listened to him tell me that he has made the worst mistake of his life going back to his wife. He said that he is stuck now and that he is watching me moving on with my life and it is killing him. He says that he absolutely loves me and does not love his wife but that he cannot see how his life will ever be different to how it is now because he is afraid that she will harm herself if he does anything other than be with her and he will lose his family. I know from colleagues that he has a 3 week vacation booked later in the summer with her and in the next couple of weeks they are going on a long weekend break away together. Both of these things stung initially but then I just accepted that this is his life now. He said that he is terribly unhappy and he hears me being positive and chatty with everyone in the office and that he sees that I am getting over him. He told me that the first few months he could see that I was struggling and that he was distracted by his home situation and didnt feel the loss – now he is I guess in a routine of the reality at home and described it as suffering in jail. He didnt look to try to rekindle anything and I do not want that under any circumstances as it was so hard to get to where I am now. I havent said anything of my plans to him and I do not want to. I said very little to him other than life is very short and we shouldnt waste any of it being unhappy. What I would appreciate is a view on why is he now declaring love to me but saying nothing is going to change from his perspective – why would he do this? Also how do I handle any more approaches from him in this way. I was doing relatively ok but his approach has unsettled me terribly. Thank you.

    • Congrats Mary on moving forward, you should be very proud of yourself. The reason he contacted you is because he doesn’t want to see you happy. He wants you on the back burner, holding a torch for him, and suffering because he is a selfish bastard and only concerned with himself. He was hoping he would unsettle you. When you truly love someone you want to be there to help them when they are hurting, not cause them more pain. He caused your pain when he ended things, and is still trying to cause you more. Eventually, with time, he won’t be able to open old wounds. If you can block his number, then do it. If you can’t, and he calls, don’t answer, don’t listen to the message either. If he does catch you on the phone, tell him he needs to get on with his life and stop contacting you or you are going to contact his wife and hang up.

  61. Hi Sarah. I need your advice please. I am 51 and my partner is 59.he has been separated from his ex girlfriend for ten years(they were together for twenty years and have two grown up kids). We have been together almost four years but don’t live together. Today he has told me that he still has unresolved feelings for his ex and I am devastated. He says he doesn’t want me to leave him but just needs time to sort his emotions out. I know he hates upsetting me and can see how hurt I am over this . If I am honest with myself I know I love him more than he does me. I had hoped of a future together but feel so betrayed by his recent admission. Do I end it to save my sanity?. I can’t imagine my life without him but don’t want to end up feeling anxious and wondering if he would rather be with her than me. I am in a state of shock at the moment and would be grateful for your opinion. Thank you. Carol.

    • Staying with him while he sorts things out will only make things worse. Let him go and don’t continue contact until he has made his choice. That will also speed up the process.

  62. Hi Sarah,

    I had a boyfriend last February 2016. We know each other for 5 years. We have same circle of friends and I can say that we are somehow close friends.
    Before we got together, he has a girlfriend and they’ve been together for 3 years. On the 2nd year of their relationship, the girl went to Saudi for work. He told me that their relationship was not a happy one. His family doesn’t even like the girl. He said that their relationship was very toxic. Since the beginning of their relationship, they are always fighting. He then told me that he noticed that the ex-gf has mental illness. She doesn’t know how to handle problems (family or relationship problems). She even tried to end her life before because of a family problem.
    When their relationship was getting rough, he found a comfort in me. We became closer this February and after few days we decided to give ourselves a shot for a relationship.
    We were very happy. I am working in Singapore and he was in Philippines. He went here for weekend and we spend quality time together. He told me he was actually comparing me to his ex-gf. My personality is strong. I know how to handle pressures and problems since I’ve been through a lot.
    Until after 2 months of us being in a relationship, the ex-gf suddenly went back to Philippines for a 1 month vacation. She surprised him and begged him to come back. He even told her that we are together now. She said she will do anything to win him back.
    After this, we talked and he gave me the assurance that he loves me. He said that he was just feeling pity of her. That he knows I will understand the situation. He hopes everything will be okay soon and he looks forward for that day to come. I told him I trust him and I value our relationship.
    Every now and then he meets with her. He even told me what they talked about and how they are feeling. Until he told me that there is a chance for him to get back to her if that’s the only way to help the girl. He said he wants the girl to come back to Saudi as she is the one who expense her siblings’ education. The girl’s family will be very much affected.
    Until one day he told me that he wants to stop our relationship for a while. That we’ll just continue this some other time as he don’t want any hindrance in our relationship. He even told me that he wants to court me again and promised a happy relationship by that time. They got back together. He deleted me on his facebook and after few days he blocked me.
    For 2 weeks we don’t communicate. I thought I am giving him that time to think and choose. Every time I checked the girl’s facebook, she posted lots of quotes or sayings which on my interpretation reflect that they are not happy.
    Until one day I messaged him. I asked if I can still trust all the words that he told me. To my dismay, he told me that he is very sorry. That he cannot see the girl devastated because of him. I blamed him and made him feel guilty. He told me that everything he showed me was true. That this is the best that he can do in this situation. He told me he is very depressed this past few days and thought of ending his life. I feel so sorry to us.
    I would like to think that he is just doing this to make the girl come back to Saudi after this 1 month vacation. I am thinking that after the girl left, he will have more time to re-assess the situation. Next month I am going back to Philippines to have a short vacation. He told me he still wants to talk to me by then.
    We used to be a happy couple. We have the same personality and we jive with each other. I am inlove with the idea of us being together.

      • Yeah. I would like to think that he just used me and he’s a liar. Now i’m trying to see the negative things on him so that somehow it’ll make me feel better.
        But sometimes I really cannot stop thinking that he was just caught up in the situation and got no choice but to choose the girl since between the 2 of us, he knows that I am the one who can handle the problems better. I still hope that he will regret losing me. He always say that I’m far better than his ex. But still he chose her over me 🙁

        • Please. Stop thinking of him as someone doing something for his ex. He is doing what HE wants, he is a selfish, lying, cheating a-hole. This is what cheaters do. of course he isn’t going to say he used you, he is going to say he is doing it for “her” because he thinks it will make him look better.

  63. Hi I have been having an affair with a married work colleague for nearly 15 years. It was never anything that was pre planned – I was in a very unhappy marriage that I subsequently left and divorced and he told me that he felt nothing any longer for his wife. He said that they should never have married. I dont know how the years went by but they did and all the time we spent huge amounts of time together – clearly we saw each other every day at work and he would often call to my house at weekends. We were best friends. He has two grown up kids that he used to tell me that he was disappointed in how they turned out and this he said was their mother’s influence. He is a fit attractive man, she is very overweight and he described her as a lazy woman who didnt share any interests. Over the years his marriage was very rocky but he held on. He continually asked me to wait for him and said he would leave her – he just found it really hard to break it. She had suspicion of us being together but he lied and said that was not the case. For the rest of our relationship he became focused on her not finding out about us – he said it would ruin her. He became more distant in his relationship with her and stopped going on holiday and being part of things. He spent more and more time with me and said he could visualise a life with me and was looking forward to doing it. Eventually she said to him either get with the programme or leave. He left and he got himself an apartment but I could see that he never settled. His kids never really looked out for him – they would meet him when he initiated it but never call him to see how he was – they are both adults with their own lives. His wife leaned really heavily on his daughter and she would tell him that though she understood why he left because she is a difficult woman that she was becoming completely stressed by her mother’s continual needing of her. He took the apartment on 3 months contract and when it was up he moved in with me. I felt this was not sustainable given that he had not said to her that he wanted to finish the marriage – he had said he needed time and space and that he was not happy. He went to his family for Christmas but immediately afterwards spent a week with me and my family. He lived with me for 2 more months and I tried to let him resolve his own issues and not put pressure on but he seemed like a fish out of water. I was as good and as kind as I could be to him. He never finished it with his wife and therefore never tried to make a new life. I asked him if he would go back to his marriage he said he never would. His wife found out that he spent time with me and my family over Christmas and she went nuts – he got really stressed out about this and was completely anxious. He told me that he was going back to her and that we were over. I was completely shocked. He moved back that week. He said he would beg her forgiveness and try to make a life for himself. He never apologised to me for what he did – he just wanted to get on. He kept his distance from me in work and the few conversations that were had around – how he was, what just happened etc were initiated by me. He is terribly angry with me now and says that I am responsible for all of his problems. He used words that I never heard him use before – he said if he left his marriage he would lose his status. He is reasonably wealthy and I feel that he realised that a chunk of cash would disappear from him – and without being unkind he likes his money and wouldnt be a spender though his wife would. On another day he told me he loves me but that he has made his bed now and that wasnt going to change. He said he couldnt be with me now and that we couldnt have a future. Subsequently his wife has somehow found out from someone else that we have had a very protracted relationship and he told me that she is devestated. She text me to find out how long we were together but I didnt respond. I am beyond hurt and upset. I thought that once she knew about us that this might change things – if he loved me as he said and now that she knew – what was the problem? I went into cold storage for a long time in my life to wait for him to leave his marriage – he then spent 6 intense months with me and without a by or leave went back to his wife. This week in work he has started to smile at me and hang around where I sit – he has tried to get me to laugh and so on. I was doing better when he was ignoring me and me him but now 2 months on he is lightening up with me. I am trying to move on with my life but I am really hurt because he never really gave me an explanation as to why he did what he did. We have a big work thing coming up soon that we both have to present at and I wonder is the thaw an effort to get me to assist him with that – I hope it is not. I have to work with this man and I would really appreciate any help or advice you could give me. I am not angry but I am hurt. I am reading as much self help as I can, trying to exercise, be healthy and so on. I have very few friends because of how I isolated myself over the years – nobody likes to be the affair woman so I didnt want to broadcast that – instead I withdrew and built a life around what I had hoped would be a future with him. I used to love my job because I work so closely with him – now it is uncomfortable but I have a lot of years service and have a good career so I dont want to leave. He is due to retire in 2 years and has told me recently he cant wait to go whereas prior to that he spoke about working on a few years so we could retire together. Your opinion would be appreciated. Thank you.

    • Moving on is hard. You spent a lot of time in a dead end relationship with someone who obviously had no intention of really leaving. That cannot be undone, but you can look forward to finding a relationship with someone who can give you 100% instead of just a fraction. Let go of the fact that he hurt you. He hurt his wife as well, and so did you. Leave him to his crappy marriage and move on to something better.

  64. hey sarah..i really need an advise here. My boyfriend of 6 months left me by giving a reason that the spark between us is not there and he dont feel the chemistry anymore and we don’t share the same interest. Its true it realy took me sometime to really get close with him since this is my first love and it was kinda awkward for both of us. I didnt trust him at first but later part he made me trust him and talked too intimate too. We just had 5 dates and on the 5th date we were very close for the first time. But since the beginning he would be always confused. He had a bad past that he loved a girl for 4 years and she dumped him. I met this guy in temple when i joined my college in this new city and i still have to see him every sunday in church. He also dated another girl in church which is his sisters best friend and his childhood friend too before coupling up with me and they broke up because he told they are not right for each other but remained as friends. So when we were together he told that girl about me that im his gf. and that girl added me in fb and insta and we became friends in church . She was a nice and kind girl.After we broke up i tried so hard for a month to make him understand how much i loved him but he remained firm in his decision. I loved him so much.We even chatted few times as normal friends i wished him on his birthday and new year too. But one day he unfollowed me in insta and that got me really pissed off and i messaged him why and he told me that he wants get over and move on. I told him he treated me really bad and I will block him everywhere, so he doesn’t have to see me again. I block him in whatsapp and unfollowed him in instagram. That was the last time we talked to each other.Now i got to know that the girl in church and he got back together. They are family friends and they are cool in church. They 2 have the same musical interest and etc.Now i felt so awkward to face the situation in church where i seems to be treated like a stupid girl and innocent girl. I used to be very innocent though. The thing is its been 4 months but i still miss him alot although i knew he screwed up everything. I cry almost everyday i read alot of articles on how to move on and self motivation. It helps a while. and when i knew he got back with her my heart just break into pieces as it was during the break up. The worst part that made me so depressed is i have to see both of them every Sunday. Maybe im kinda insecure too, because my ex is a very cool guy and talented and smart and the girl too. When I compare myself, I felt I’m too lacking. I know i always can improve myself and be the best, but I can’t handle this situation now anymore. I’m so so so hurt because i really loved him a lot. Can you please give me a life saving advice. I want to be happy too. I can’t handle this hurt anymore.

    • First of all stop looking at yourself as a victim. You are not a victim. You, like almost everyone on earth had a failed relationship, and you can and will get over it if you choose too. You have the strength to get past this, but you have to start moving forward. You have to stop making him so important, because he isn’t that important. He is just a guy. No more, no less. Who he is with and what he does with his life is none of your business, so stop making it your business. Work on your life, instead of focusing on his. You don’t have to remain miserable because of a guy that is not a part of your life anymore. You will find someone better suited for you, but you have to give yourself a chance. No one can give that to you but YOU.

  65. Hi! this is my first time I tried to voice out my feelings publicly.I just broke up with a 3-month relationship.I am halfway older than my boyfriend.I gave him all the love , care and everything. Until last week without traces we just had a small fight he said he was bothered for weeks and that he still love his ex.He and his ex were 2 months on get back together last October but merely a month broke up.I believe that we may have good memories than his ex but how come he ended with me that easy.Now its been a week since breakup and I am seeing picture of him and his ex together.I feel devastated , insulted and so hurt.What will I do?

    • Sorry to be so blunt but this is someone you only knew for 3 months. Let go of the melodrama and stop using words like devastated. It hurts, and that sucks, but you need to put it and him in perspective. It doesn’t matter why or how he ended it, what matters is is that its over, and you need to accept it. Cut off all social media, don’t look for clues as to what is going on in his life, because this will not help you. It’s a destructive habit and a bad choice to make, unless you want to purposely make yourself feel bad and not move on. Not every relationship is going to work out. And this one didn’t. So what? Dust yourself off, lick your wounds, and leave this jerk in your rear view mirror. In time, you will be fine, so long as you shut the door behind you.

  66. Hi, I do not know if this thread is still being responded to but I basically met a guy end of January, being set up on a blind date by gud friends. We then had a really good 5 week relationship where I was treat probably nicer than Iv been treat by any man. Anyhow I was told at the start that he’d just come out of a 13 year on/off relationship which I know should have been a red flag but he also convinced me that this had been over for ages and she had done lots of awful stuff. Anyway, guess Wat, after said 5 weeks he told me he did not feel ready for another long term relationship and he needs his space. A week later I found out he is in touch with his ex again though he does say they r not back together. He is sticking with his I need space story. I just feel so mad that he told me all of this negative stuff about her, reeled me in to what I thought was a secure relationship, then spat me out and went back for more from her. I know I need to let him go as he is obviously still in this toxic cycle with his ex but it just feels so disappointing and hard to move on from. Any tips of how to move forward??

    • Stop being mad. Learn your lesson. Anyone that recently is out of a long term relationship is really risky. If you decide to take the risk, it’s on you. Now you have seen this guy for what he really is, instead of the guy he was pretending to be for 5 weeks, and consider yourself lucky that you didn’t waste 5 more minutes on him. He isn’t worth thinking about, it was only 5 weeks, which is nothing in the grand scheme of things. You now have an opportunity to find someone who really deserves you, instead of thinking about someone who clearly does not.

  67. Hi Sarah,Just an update i have meet someone and we just taking it slow,we havent kiss or anything like that lol,but my ex called and is now asking me to take him back?I dont have any feelings for him as my feelings vanish after discovering he went back to hes first Ex that kicked him out and with hes ex now before me as i was really disgusted by him but i aint stupid like those ex’s lol,Is the reason why he went back to both hes ex’s is because he did that out of spite?or is it just hes nature?does he wont me back because he sees im happy now?im really confused why he would wont me back anywho am i just being denial that he always loved me not them?im in a happy places now and i really like this new guy as he has so much quality that he didnt!I have tryed to change my number i cant move house coz i own it,but he seems to be turning up everywhere?if he cant get through to me he calls my siblings like who does that.Do you think hes being Sincere is the question or just going to back to hes old habits?im a bit confused in hes actions why now,why wont to give us a go again.I’m really happy with this guy and new guy knows about it hes not really impress at my ex at the moment and i keep telling him its OVER.Is this a denial faces hes going through?

  68. Happened to me just last week , we have been friends for 10 years and always turned to each other for sex when we were no longer in a relationship. This time we started talking more than usual and seeing more of each other. He said he was over his ex after the 2nd time and he was moving out . I believed him . So come to find that he is working things out with her , reason .. He texted me saying that they have been together for a long time and it’s something that could be worked on . WTF really , why ? He told me I’d be a distraction right now and wanted to work things out with her . I didn’t read those signs , I was a booty call wasn’t I ?

  69. I was dating my ex for 4 years then he broke up with me not even a month later I find out he is dating a girl we all hung out with 6 months later he contacts me saying he misses me and he fucked up and she was a waste of his time and he let go of something good he had well long story short I told him I would give him one more chance and not to ruin it “I’m here to stay” were his exact words…….a week later he told me he just wanted to be friends I was so sad/mad I told him never to contact me again but that I wasn’t gonna be his friend he agreed…next thing I know he got back with that girl! I couldn’t belive it…..I really thought it wouldn’t work out with them because he’s 20 and she’s 25 but to put the cherry on top he basically has been living with her and I mean we never really spent the night with each other because of my strict parents but I am so broken and I feel like he used me….can anyone give me advice ?

      • He was just always so honest through out our relationship and so faithful…I’m in complete denial…..when he left those 6 months I was finally getting over him and was starting to tall to other guys but I dropped them all cause I though we would work…now I’m back to square one…..depressed…..one question…..I am so scared he will come back and want me back after there relationship goes wrong again….do you think he will or do you think he will keep trying to work things out with this girl ?

  70. I have been together with my ex for 6year we have two children I have tried to work things out as we were together but live separately.Just a couple of months out of the Blues he just said hes moving off the sad thing is that he moved on with hes ex gf as they have a child together but she has 2 other kids to two different fathers so 3 kids different dads,but he was my first and he knew that and he was the love of my life.How can I move on I have been strong but everytime I look at my kids I cry.Help me.

    • There is no quick fix and there is no easy answer. Moving on is a process, once you make the decision to do so. Keep out of their business, and focus on creating a life for yourself, without him, and for someone new.

  71. I know us as woman can be dumb sometimes but I need an answer to this. I moved across the country with my ex where he is from. We where together 8 months I helped him get back on his feet and had taken care of him financially in the beginning. He ended up choking me and i ended it. After that he was stalking my house calling my phone my fax machine and my email constantly. I was very good at no contact for a few days. I then gave in was lonely and missed him. I took him back and not even a day goes by he disappears for a few hours with his friends ignoring all calls and texts claiming his phone had died yet it was clearly ringing. I told him it was over because i am done with his games. He said he was done to. And now he doesn’t contact me at all but still drives by my house. I told him I am getting a restraining order haven’t seen him since. His ex moved from the other state back to this one I have a feeling he is talking to her again. It bothers me he used to chase me and now doesn’t . he makes me feel as if it was all my fault. If you could shed some advice I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you also I am trying to move on.

    • Who cares who he is talking to? You shouldn’t. He isn’t going to treat them any better than he did you. So what is there to be jealous or envious of? A guy that treats you like shit and lies and is abusive and has mental issues? Your addicted to the dysfunctional behavior. let go of him and realize YOU are LUCKY to be rid of him. I don’t know how on earth you can think this was your fault. He is a grown man with free will. If you were in control of him he would treated you right, not the way he did. Don’t mistake his chasing for love either………it isn’t romantic.

  72. My boyfriend of one year just started dating his ex again. They were together for 2.5 years in high school. He SWORE he would NEVER date her again after the way she treated him. I keep comparing myself to her. Was I used? Please respond. I am SO nervous that now they will get married and I have no chance of ever getting him back.

  73. Hi Sarah,

    Just reading all the responses here and maybe my story is just like the others… maybe it’s not. I dunno. It’s funny tho. When you’re right in the middle of the sh*t storm, it’s hard to see anything except…sh*t…

    Sigh. Anyhoo… – So I met this feller on a dating website about 2.5 weeks ago (holy crap that’s such a short time)…ugh, but it feels like forever. We didn’t exchange very many texts before we made plans to meet up for our first date (he paid). This was last Sunday (which went awesome) 2 hours… drinks and walk – no kissing just a hug at the end. He immediately wanted to see me again and so we arranged for a dinner date at his for this past Wed. 5 hours – he made steaks, I cooked shrooms and baby potatoes and the flowed. Again. Awesome. It felt easy and natural… no games… no drama.

    We chatted on the phone a few times (Sat eve for 3 hours) and then I just saw him again on Sunday for about 4 hours… we kissed and fooled around a bit. Nothing too heavy. Even up to yesterday morning he was very receptive “Good morning beautiful… etc” and finally I thought I met someone who really really liked me and it just felt so amazing.

    Well, Wed on our date – very briefly, he mentioned this girl he had been seeing a month prior to us meeting. He had met her online as well and they had been dating for about 6 months. He said that not once had they gone past the “dating” phase… that it was always a need to impress kind of relationship… – but the reason why he brought her up was that she contacted him wanting to “talk”. He said they broke up at the end of Dec – there was a fight over text or whatever (he didnt’ get into it) and as far as he was concerned it was over. Then Sunday, he said she had kept texting and he felt he needed to see her for “closure”, so I said “You gotta do what you gotta do…” I can stop him… esp. if she/it (the situation) is on his mind)…right? Yesterday after his lovely “Morning Beautiful” and I responded close to the end of work with a smiley face, he texted me to say the “meeting” was going to happen that night and he’d call or text me after if I wanted. I said he could call… (tick tock tick tock)

    Fast forward early this morning… I get a text from him around 1 am saying he didn’t give her a chance to explain herself – that she “knee jerk” reacted (I have no clue about what and don’t give a feck really), and he felt guilty and needed to give it another go. He was sorry and that was it. I texted back that I was sad but understood (I do…), but that I think I deserved a call instead of a text.

    A few back and forths and I told him I wasn’t mad, he was a decent guy (he is) for letting me know what was going on for him and the text from her etc. (he could have kept it secret)- you know? But he didn’t.

    I got about 1.5 hours worth of sleep (if you can call it that) and came into work (thankfully no one is here) and just have zoned out for most of the day… 🙁 I’ve worked but feel absolutely numb.

    Now you may say “Hold on sister!” It’s only been ONE week and you’re already gone “FULL BOYLE?!” – (Brooklyn 99 epie), but yeah, that’s how I’ve always rolled. When I feel that ‘connection’ with someone, it just goes… fast… and furious. and when they are feeling it too, it’s just amaze-balls! Sigh. Anyway, I thought he was feeling it too… and wonder if he’s going back to her because it’s familiar… that there’s “TIME” they have put in together (even if it’s only been impressing one another).

    Maybe I’m not needing an answer per se… but I did text him “Was it just my imagination about our connection, or is this girl your ‘kindred spirit’? If so, then I walk away… for now, I’m in denial. and it sucks … and not in a good way. :'(

    • He was not emotionally available to you, it had not been long enough after his last relationship ended before looking for a new one. (This is why you shouldn’t get involved with anyone who just ended a relationship Ladies). He was never serious about moving on or moving forward with you or anyone. Sorry girl.

      • He seemed like he was. He didn’t even mention her that much except he had saw someone up until a month ago and they hadn’t gotten past “impressing each other” yet… – It was more his little girls’ mum he spoke mostly about. I see that now… just sucks all these awful emotions going coarsing through my body/brain… – Thanks for taking the time to respond Sarah. Muchos gracias.

        • Hi lovely Sarah – an update on this situation.We spoke on the phone last night for (egads) 2.5 hours and he honestly doesn’t know if he’s making the right decision going back to her. They dated for 6 months, she never met his mum, brother or daughter (timing she said) and he’s never met her people… – it gets better (sarcasm). She’s had hissy fits, hung up on him, ignored him for days at a time because she’s misunderstood texts etc. I listened for a bit and then I said “So… you want to go back to all of that?? Is she your soul mate or something (the heart wants what the heart wants right), but he said “It’s 6 months I won’t be able to get back again.”

          I actually scoffed (didn’t mean to) and said “It’s going to be a further 6 months or longer with the same crap over and over again with her. People don’t change over night and if she has “walls” like you said, you are not going to change that. She also can’t be alone (she ended up going right back onto this dating site to see other guys the day after they broke up – wtf).

          So yes… this guy needs his head examined and I told him how I felt, I was taking a little time to grieve what brief thing we had (RESPECT for him and for myself) but I was going to move on…

          He said he has a lot of thinking to do and I wished him well. It’s debatable whether or not he won’t just settle for what he knows (someone who treats him like crap), but I’ve had enough of trying to “convince” men, I’m the one for him.

          What I do know, and feel better about is that he felt the same way I did… that our dates, chats and hanging out was just so easy… and so amazing… – and that made me feel a lot fricking better… that I knew it wasn’t just in my imagination… and it’s easier today to move on – regardless if he comes back to me or not…

          Still want him to see that I’m the best person of course, but — that’s a pipe dream … but miracles happen. I just am not waiting around for it. Thanks again for this post!

          • Wow. Your missing the point. Someone like this is not the best person for YOU because he will do to you what he is doing to her. Pipe dream? Nightmare is more like it. Good people do not do what he is doing. No excuses. You go and get you someone better girl 🙂

  74. HI Sarah,

    My boyfriend of 4 months went back to the motherland to visit family and friends and his daughter. He told me not to worry since he was separated from his daughters mother. He had found out about a rumor she was cheating on him weeks prior to us dating. Before we started dating he told me he was separated. Before he left on the trip we were perfectly fine. I was involved in family activities etc. He led me to believe I was his “girlfriend”. The first weekend out in the motherland he was fine calling and texting video calls late hours of the night. Then comes Monday night theres silence into Tuesday afternoon. I figured I leave him alone but I couldnt hold it and texted him. He replied a simple Hi, I said whats wrong you can’t talk he said No, and I knew then in there what was going on. He read my messages and wouldn’t answer them. I couldn’t sleep at night I felt sick to my stomach and threw up. I texted him asking him for an explanation that I needed some peace of mind. He read no reply. Then he post a picture on social media of him and his daughter mother with the caption “my woman”. I wanted to die from the humiliation and embarrasment. How could he have done this. I texted him asked him if he was back with her he said Sorry and Sorry again and said he couldn’t resist. I told him I hope you’re not mistaken and she doesn’t cheat on you again. He has to return to the states, living her behind and deal with everyone telling him how wrong he did me and see himself without me here. And I don’t know what to do? I don’t know what’s next. I don’t want him to come looking for me but then again we were in such a happy place that I wish to see him again to make sure he didn’t make a mistake. What should i do? what should I expect?

    • SO basically you had an affair with a married man. He wasn’t divorced, and what happened to you is very typical when you start a relationship with someone who isn’t single. What should you do? Go find someone single, who isn’t a cheater.

  75. Hi Sarah,
    2.5 years ago I was facing losing my mum from cancer. The week she found out her cancer had come back I met a man online and impulsively (not like me) met him within a week. Note…this is after a previous break up where my then ex left me to join a wicca/sex cult and was with someone else straight after. Anyway, this latest ex and I went through the death of my mum….he helped me through. I dont think I would still be here if he wasnt there then. He seemed perfect. Thoughtful, loving, joyful, playful, and would so so many things around the house for me like paint my verandah etc he said he wasnt romantic, he loved by doing things for people. Anyway, soon after my mum died he started getting very insistant….insistant that I do this or that for example invest my money a certain way, do certain things around the house as he was sick of doing everything (I was grieving). He also lived 4 hours away and drove down all the time when my mum was ill and at least once a month after and would stay for a few days to a week. I could not drive there as my grief for my mum meant my anxiety for driving was worse. However he had planned on buying a house near me but 5 months after my mum died, we had a small argument and did not talk for a weekend and when we did I found out he had bought a house – still 4 hours away. He told me he did it because he thought we had broken up. This caused tension for the next few months, he had to finish the house to stay in budget and could therefore not come down as much. 8 months after my mum died he almost broke up with me. He said my mum was dead, yet I loved her more than I love him. He stopped saying I love you, started picking…eg my weight, my hobbies, etc. I realised I needed to snap myself out of my grief to not lose him. He had had a few exes, but did not talk about them much. One of them he said cheated on him and was a b@#$% to him. However, I could tell this woman was his ultimate woman though he said he was over her and told me a disgusting personal hygeine story about her that made it seem he would never ever go back there. However, i know the reality is he pined for her for years after and she always made it seem that “maybe one day” despite being with the man she supposedly cheated with. I tried really hard to prove I loved him booking holidays for us, swallowing my fear and going to visit him more, but we began arguing lots. Fast forward to september i felt him really distancing to the point he asked for space. I visited him surprised him with driving there myself for the first time. He was not that happy. I later found out that by a stroke of unlikely fate he had run into this woman in september and had started to communicate. He barely came to see me the next two months and 3 days after my birthday he dumped me. I knew something was going on, i visited him to try and save us he allowed me to stay but I found out he had messaged her directly after he dumped me (he writes in his work diary everything) and then booked a hotel to see her that week. I am devastated. I do not know how to get over this. I want him back so badly. I miss the loving man he was but now doubt our whole relationship but why would someone go through all the dreadful things like watching me watch my mum die, a disfunctional family after only to give up and go back to someone who cheated on him? They were only together 8 months and she cheated and now 9 years later he still wants her and she is still dangling herself infront of him. Its been three months since we broke up and 2 since I saw him. He left me alone over xmas and new years and the 2nd anniversary of my mum. He then sent me a letter saying I am beautiful I have the prettiest face and smile he has ever seen, he wished we worked but cant be there for me for he is finding what he wants and that looks like it is her. Do you think this is an ego thing and if she does submit to him do you think it would last? Is there any chance he may come back? There were so many factors working against us…..maybe he was a good guy and just gave up but I cant deny the evidence I have seen…….so confused and still love him would appreciate your help and opinion…

    • I am so sorry about what you have gone through, but it is time you face the reality of who he is. You are too focused on who he was, and are not accepting him for who he really is. He is doing to you what what his ex has done to him — focusing on an ex that treated him badly. A good person would not do the things he did to you, so stop seeing him as a good person. He may have a good side, but he has an even bigger bad side. His good side is not enough to outweigh the bad. See him for who he is now, not the good guy he was at the beginning. Aren’t they all pretty good at the beginning? And a relationship is evaluated in it’s ENTIRETY, not just the parts you like. And I am sorry to say he is not who you see him as. You cannot love the bad way he has treated you, you love the guy you were with in the beginning, before you knew the real him. Bad sides of people don’t show up right away, it takes time, and this is what confuses people. Stop blaming her, and put the blame where it belongs, on HIM. Let go of the MEMORY of him and deal with the reality of him. If you do you can find happiness with someone who is not as dysfunctional and manipulative and deceitful as him.

      • Thankyou for your reply. It makes sense though I am struggling with the fact that it could take 2.5 years for me to realise someones true colours or for their colours to show? I am 35, have lost my mother, I really wanted children with this man as I thought he loved me like I loved him and now I am in extreme depression – my children will never know my mother. At least if they were with him he had some memories of her. Then theres the fact that it took me 7 years to find him and the connection (I thought) we had. This means its likely to take at minimum a year to meet another if that soon, then have to wait three for the true colours to be revealed and then I feel like I will be out of time and this is like its squeezing whats left out of my heart and will to keep going.

        • It didn’t take 2.5 years, the colors were revealing themselves to you bit by bit but it took a while to see the whole picture. As for your struggle, he will NEVER be what you want him to be, so what is the struggle? You could meet a new man tomorrow, there is no time stamp on exactly how long it takes. That is just your fear talking. The universe wont bring them in until you let go of this ex…..you are not open to it. Let him go. He is not worth the salt in your tears.

          • Hi Sarah,

            I still miss him. I have been shocked at the number of similar and worse stories that I have found since all of this. Men leaving women pregnant, ones that actually do cheat behind the womans back (at least mine dumped me before it was physical). These serve to a)make me realise he was not that bad and maybe if I would have been different we could have had a good relationship and b) there is not much hope otherwise. It took me so long to find someone I thought was so perfect for me and vice versa and that turned out this way. I am 35 and freaking out as I wanted children with him. When I am not in love the urge disappears and I am scared I will not find love again like I had with him. Maybe he wasnt so bad maybe I stuffed it up he did go through an awful lot with me/for me. I am struggling to see hope……sorry

          • I am shocked, really shocked. He was not that bad? Seriously? THAT is your criteria for having CHILDREN with a man? I feel for those poor children born to a dysfunctional relationship. The love you had with him was no big deal to him. He is a manipulator. And you blame yourself? Girl, you need a therapist to help you get your self esteem up because otherwise you will continue to make bad choices and stay stuck on useless men, remaining their victim.

          • Hi Sarah,

            I know your words are true but how do I get my heart to catch up to my head? I still miss him, my home is where we spent the most time and where everything happened (losing my mum, he stayed with me and helped me through it). Today they both posted on facebook, it seems after not even two months since the last time he slept with me they are excited about moving in together. She is going on about how she loves him and how he calms her down when upset and all the things he does for her and how he makes her feel and how he is the best she has ever had etc. He is going on about how he thinks he has found his true love and its so much better this time and he cant believe he is so lucky to have her love him. The odd thing is there are so many similarities in the things she is saying to the things I used to say and the things he is saying to the things he used to say to me he even stole my line and said their “little family him her and his dog” which is what I used to say to him! I dont understand. Why does the one who leaves, the cheater get rewarded with happiness and I have to cry over the ghosts of what we had? I am so worried they are going to get married and have children and be happy in the replica of the life i thought we would have. How can this be that I waited 1.5 years for him to finish this house and as soon as he moves in he breas up with me and commits to her I am so hurt.

          • Ok, first of all you need to stop stalking them. That is no way to move on. Now, having read he is saying the same bullshit lies to her and conning her the same way he did you shouldn’t do anything but prove to you what a liar he is. Everything he says during this phase is all to reel you in, and for some reason, women are willing to fall for it. Then, he shows his true colors and the whole thing goes downhill. He is playing the same game with her that he did with you. She is just his next victim. And there will be others………… Accept that he is not a good person, that you were played, and let go of the fantasy he fed you. The first step needs to be an end to your spying. Block them on facebook and everywhere else. You don’t need to know what is going on in their lives, you need to live yours. It is a very self destructive thing that you are doing and serves no point.

          • I guess the bit I am finding hard to reconcile is that he is a bad guy. How can she be so smitten by him in the same way I was if he is so terrible when she is pointing out the same nice and wonderful things I saw in him is it just the honeymoon phase or can a relationship formed this way in this time frame have a hope in hell? How can he love here when he hardly knows her would she not be a different person after 7 years? Sorry I know my questions are annoying but I really need help rationalising these things. You have helped more than therapy in the progression of my moving on trust me.

          • She is stupid and feel for his bs again. He doesn’t love her, he is playing her again and she signed up for another round. He uses the honeymoon phase to rope you in. It is all lies. Let GO.

          • I know and I have just deleted him. However it does not delete it from my mind. She still loves him, says she always has and I still do so either he picks really stupid women or there must be something to love? She says he treated her the best, I say the same, how could they be moving in together already? How could he be over me and the time we had mean nothing to him. He is giving his all to her within 2 months and it took 2.5 years for him to give me nothing and to take back all he gave me. I just dont understand why I deserve this. Why they are all in love and he has left me to go through the grief of losing him on top of the other 4 losses I have had in as many years. He is there for her and has cut me off. He used to care but does not anymore how can a person do that and why am I alone if he is the not good person while he has her and she has him. He asked me to move in just after my mum died and I said I was not ready and he never forgave me maybe if I had have things would have turned out differently, Maybe it was that I was not committed as he said when we broke up. She is happy to move in after 3 months let alone 6. I wake up each morning with a sick empty feeling like I am having a bad dream only to realise its real. I know there are a lot of people worse off. Heck, i lost my mum which is far worse but at least he was by my side. Noone else would have gone through that with me. Why do that and then leave. His clear conscience email to me said “he knows i love him now but he found out too late and by then his heart had closed. He wished he loved me as much”. Why can he love her completely but not me.

          • If you want to play what if games in your head, be my guest but I can’t be a part of it. And if you are jealous of a woman or her treatment of him considering he is conning her too, that is something I can’t help you with. You need to seek professional help to out of of fantasyland. HE DOESNT LOVE EITHER OF YOU.

          • Hi Sarah,
            I have been trying to move on and tell myself this man was not my soulmate however I am losing hope. I am 35 years old, he is my first serious and best relationship since I split with my first love 10 years ago. my friends all have 4 children by now and dont go out much, I live in an area where there is not much to do apart from what I have been…..jogging, going places like shopping etc but I have never met a guy this way let alone my soul mate. I joined the internet dating sites again but it depresses me, I only got one man who stalked me after one date and other than that no messages. The men on there seem insincere, superficial and noone seems to have interests like mine (and my ex’s gardening etc) they all seem to be adventure, fun, blah blah blah. How do I meet my soul mate if this man was not? How do I know they will not turn out the same if I do…after all I truly thought this man was the love of my life and would never do the things he has. I feel like I am running out of time.

          • Coming from a place of desperation isnt going to help. Soulmates don’t grow on trees, and neither do good partners for relationships. It isnt realistic to expect to meet one so easily. Give it time. And stop comparing yourself to others. That never helps anything.

  76. I was with someone for 9 years, when I met him he had been on his own for 2 years, we were both 40 at the time, before he had been on his own for 2 years he was with someone for 10 years before that they bought a house together and he left her to go back to his moms saying all the usual things, she wouldn’t let him do this and she moaned and she wouldn’t let him have his friends. When i met him, he was still texting her and I found out he was still visiting her ,I confronted him and he said he wont do it again they are just friends, even his mom reassured me they are like brother and sister,and Im sure they text most of the 9 years we were together, we were very close, never spent a night apart, i was trustworthy,genuine and faithful and always stood by him and ecouraged him to be himself. He always told me we would be together forever, we went on holiday last year and 2 weeks after we came back he came in from work crying and very upset, told me he was leaving me and staying at his moms I was in shock, I asked him is it his ex, he swore it wasnt and just said things arnet working out, I had no idea. He was literally broken crying,I didnt say a word, however I did go up to him ,I hugged him ,kissed him on the cheek and told him goodbye,,he became more upset saying are you not going to come to the door with me I said no,,keep going forward I have said goodbye to you,and he went. I was devastated, I had no idea,,what went wrong,I spent 6 weeks confused.He did keep texting that night and the following day saying one day he will wake up and realise what hes lost,and that he does not know whats wrong with him he had more than most men could wish for, I only sent one message back saying I don’t know you I never really did, as this made sense regarding what he had done. He still text weeks after saying keep in touch I would like to think we can be friends,however I had deleted his number from my phone but recognised the last 3 digits and knew they were texts from him.I never replied to any, I believed that it would be easier for me not to reply and I also deleted all out treasured pictures we had during those 9 years.Around 6 weeks after the break up, I had my closure,like another stab in the heart. I went shopping ,and there he was with his ex, he didn’t see me, I turned round and went home. Once I got home I sent him 1 message saying it was a shame you couldn’t tell me the truth, I saw you today I now have my closure. Before he could reply I blocked him, I also saw him out in the town in a bar with his mate from work before xmas, I held my head up high and walked past him, while we were together I had a face book account, with only family members on, i rarely ever went on I never posted anything on there I only replied to private messages from both our family members. He always hated facebook, said he would never have an account, the other day I logged on to wish my cousin Happy Birthday, and his picture appeared on my page saying people you may know, so I immediately blocked him. It’s been 3 months now and I’m finding my feet again. Throughout those 9 years wasted with him,,he should have done me a favour and got back with her in the first few weeks of us being together,I only have one word for this man, “Heartless”.He had planned to leave me before we went on holiday, and his mom and dad knew all about his plans and they knew he was going back to his ex, and they never had the decency to tell me.

    • It is such a shame that he and his “people” have no decency. You, however, are one classy, dignified woman. I am sorry for what you have gone through, yet proud of how you handled yourself through this difficult time. I wish you all the best, and hope you find someone worthy of you down the road. Keep your head held high girl!!

  77. I was with someone for 4 months. He was unsure about us at first, he said because he loved in another city and would only see me at weekends and didn’t want a long distance relationship. I thought he may be seeing someone else and when I asked him he said no and that I was paranoid and insecure. He did end up committing to me and we were happy and in love and talked about our future. He said he had a friend Claire and would tell me when they had met up etc and I thought Nothing of it. But she would come up a lot and one day I asked have you got romantic history with her. He said yes they used to have a casual thing and I had Nothing to worry about. I thought about things and felt pretty annoyed that he didn’t tell me their history and that apparently they were still sleeping together 3 weeks before we got together so it was pretty fresh. I ended it with him because I felt disrespected. I did try a day or so later to reconcile because I thought maybe I overreacted but he said he wouldn’t because I didn’t trust him. Anyway I contacted this woman and she told me when they stopped sleeping together, not till two months after I had started dating him and it only stopped because she said she didn’t want to be more than casual. I told i had spoken to her and what was said. He then blocked me on everything. Put the phone down on me for a month. I then find out that just days after me and him split, they are now properly together. He eventually contacted me to say sorry and that I wish I had given him time to think otherwise maybe we would still be together. I said I knew he wands get had got together and was it what he really wanted. He said yes and that he had fallen in love with her. He said he doesn’t know how but yes he did love two people in the space of a couple of weeks. I wrote to her again and told her exact dates of when we let etc and that he told me he loved me, wanted to be with me forever, wanted a child with me and sge said that he had been saying exactly the same to her. Both of us in a matter of weeks. Who does he love? Can it be possible to feel that way about two people in such a short space off time? I do think he loved me.He drove to see me every weekend, he was very full on. We loved at houses together and it did seem genuine. I am cut up

    • He showed you the kind of guy he is. For some reason you want to make him something else. He is a liar, a cheater, and cares only about himself. Why stay involved in something that has been over and has no future? Let go of him and move on towards someone that doesn’t treat people like this. You have put way too much time and energy into something and someone that is beneath you. He says he loves you both but lied and cheated on you both? That’s love? No, that is a cheater making excuses for cheating.

      • Hello everyone,

        A guy I went to high school with contacted me in May 2015 on a social media site and we chatted a few times. I was not interested because I knew he was married. Fast forward to September 2015 and we started chatting more and more, texting each other. I was taking me time after a bad break up of 11 years. He said he was recently separated in August after a eight ear marriage and she and their 12 year old daughter moved out of the house. We saw each other a couple of times and I still did not like seeing someone that was recently separated but it was nothing serious, no sex or being intimate. He came to the conclusion that it was true love and that I was the one. We both agreed. Fast forward to December 2015 and he was selling the house that they shared. It sold in January 2016 and I told him he could stay with me in my house until their divorce was final which would take a year there was plenty of room and he could have his own space. We agreed. It never happened, he disappeared, ghosted no contact for one month. He texted me at the end of January 2016 stating we were moving too fast and that I was the best thing to happen to him and that leaving me, disappearing I should say was the hardest thing he has ever done. I forgave him and kept pressuring him to move in with me.. He would move in February, and leave again. I would come home from work and his stuff would be gone. He said he was torn, missed his daughter. I said well, go back with your wife and he was like, I love you..This has gone on until September 2016. Stay go, stay go…I should have never ever took him back the fist time. But I chalked it up to him being old fashioned and just needed time and I just wanted everything now. Now since October 2016, He left and said we both need to save money, the divorce will be final by Christmas and we can buy a house together in the summer.. Well, now it is February 2017, no contact from him since January 28..16 days..I will never ever contact him. It’s over as far as I am concerned. I just can’t believe he is such a coward and could not tell me anything.His divorce was almost final it was still going back and fourth. I am thinking he stopped the divorce and went back to his wife and daughter. I just can’t believe men. He pursued me and I am the one left holding the pieces. I have been thru so much unnecessary crap with this man. I feel like a fool when I didn’t want to start a relationship to begin with..

        Stupid me♥

  78. I just got broken completely by a guy who wasn’t over his ex or more her kid that isn’t even his kid. Its her husbands who she has yet to divorce. She manipulates him because she just moved closer and didn’t know anyone. She broke him twice before now went behind my back to go see her lying and telling me it was his buddy. She got him thinking they’re soul mates and will always be together. She made him give up a bmx career and a good paying job with a house. I truely did love him. He may have had his flaws but I accepted everything. He tried to blame it on my depression and that I bitched too much but then I found out the truth on Facebook. She said that she changed and that she wants to prove it and he believed her. She has cheated and made him very insecure. He has yet to get all his things from me. He was everything I wanted. Everyone keeps saying he’ll be crawling back when she hasn’t changed. It’s gonna be rough to tell him no because I still love him. I hope they break up because he deserves better. When I returned some of his items before I knew he couldn’t look me in the face. He said “it wasn’t suppose to end this way” it still hurts bad and I still want him.

    • He made all the choices, not her. She didn’t make him do anything, he did what he WANTED. Put the blame where it belongs, on him. Do your best to move on with your life and find someone who will treat you right.

      • I dated this guy since June and we broke up in October but seeing that he went back to his Ex really infuriated me and I can’t think. I’m just devastated and don’t know hw to move on cux I really spent over #150,000 on dz guy in less than 3months and he swore he was over his Ex. Now he’s been posting her pictures and she doing same saying they love each other and I’m just heartbroken. How can I move on?
        P.s: He isn’t d kinda person I’d av loved to marry. He is a yahoo boy and still 21yrs while I’m 19. But I still feel depressed. Wat can I do?

        • You barely knew this guy, you date for 4 months. Devastated? Please. Learn from your mistakes, such as spending money on a guy you barely know. It makes send you would feel hurt, but don’t make it bigger than it is, like you did with the relationship itself. You lived your life fine before you met him, and can live your life just fine without him. If you want to move on, you will. It will take some time but it shouldn’t take longer than the amount of time you actually dated this jerk.

          • Hi Sarah I’m feeling lost & broken I met my ex 4yrs ago he was just out of a very abusive on-off relationship with the mother of his 2 kids, I never meant to fall in love with him, things were great we are very different but we had a great connection, I wanted to take things slowly I needed to make sure his feelings were over for his ex, after 18 months he finished it saying I wasn’t committed to him, as soon as he left I knew I’d made a huge mistake. However he went back to his ex but it only lasted 2 weeks, we were apart for 3 months but we both decided to give it another go, this time I didn’t hold back I threw myself into this relationship, I met all his family and let all my barriers down, everything was great for awhile but his ex started causing issues, she had had a few distarious relationships and she was leaning more & more on my boyfriend. His ex is in to drugs and got beating up by her druggie boyfriend, his kids were suffering and being called names at school for being smelly, when we had them they never wanted to go back to their mum, they started saying mummy growled at them, that she wasn’t happy I was with their dad, that I would never be family etc, my boyfriend was getting more & more distressed about his kids, but said he would never win a court case to get custody of his kids, and he couldn’t take the risk of loosing them, so he decided that he needed to be with them to make sure they are being fed and washed. He said to his ex they were never getting back together but he would be there to help her with the kids, it would also mean if he was around he could make sure she didn’t have any other unsavoury men around his kids. He told me he never loved anyone but me, but he needed to do this for his kids, he didn’t want to do this to me but it wasn’t fair on me and said we shouldn’t have contact. However we have had some contact, I also still see his family and his mum hates her, as she constantly lies. She says he’s not happy and he is very hard and abrupt on his ex and she knows he doesn’t love her, and that he really doesn’t want to be there with her, she recently bought drugs but he was told about it, he searched the house until he found them, which he did, when he confronted her she lied told them the doctor had given them to her, so he told her if she ever does this again he will leave with his kids, and she will have to fight him in court. Anyway I am broken knowing we are meant to be together but being forced to get on with my life, everyone tells me to move on, he’s made his choice, but I can’t, I know he is doing this for this kids as he is a great dad, but he is my soulmate. I know we will be together again how to I cope with this?

          • You made your decision, you don’t want to let go and you CHOOSE to wait, so CHOOSE to cope. Take responsibility for your CHOICE. He chose a dysfunctional relationship (and uses the kids as an excuse) over you. That is reality. Now you both need to “cope’ with your choices.And if you “know” you will be together, then it shouldn’t be too hard, should it?

  79. We were dating for two years and in that time he divorced his wife and sold his home set his ex in a flat and bought his own home. I moved in with him 10 months after their divorce. His wife all along never wanted the divorce and she contacted him a lot and he use to tell her off. he was suppose to block her off mobile and email but never did it. She cooled off for a little while but she started again but he kept it to him self. Then there was the house fire we lost everything no contents insurance but did have house. Thats when things changed…the ex offered him a roof over his head I had to go and live with my mother. Well he was coming with me but changed his mind ( didn’t like the idea moving in with my elderly mother) so he moved in with her. They slept together. But he told me he moved in with a male friend. I found out after he and I had a meal out and he got home late and she was fumming she cut up all his clothes and hit him and clawed him…I laughed at that. Any how after a couple of weeks he decided to move in with me..he lasted 3 months with me..we were ok but felt uncomfortable being with my mother…instead him saying anything..he just out of the blue packed his bags and moved to a male friend..he told me he will be there for 6 weeks and then move to his sisters…Ha. He went to the male friend for 3 days and then moved into his ex wife house and is still there..been there now 6 weeks..He told me later he is only staying there until his house is being rebuilt and he is using her ( I am sure she believes he wants to reconcile). Its called survival he says. But he is sleeping with her…he wants me to wait until the house is rebuilt and we start again as he has nothing to offer me. he says his ex wife is a friend he shouldn’t of married…well she doesn’t see that. I am upset in what he has done because we could of rented a place for 12 months. I am not sure what to do…can i trust him..what about his ex wife…she wont give him up and he seems just as bad.

    • Of course you can’t trust him. Why you would put up with him or his lies or his ex is beyond my comprehension. And don’t blame the ex. HE owes you something, she owes you nothing. HE lied to you. HE moved in with her. He used you both.

  80. Thank u this feed has helped
    I have jus had a messed up few weeks I met this guy who I knew from school many years later on a night out we meet up threw a mutual friend he was so funny and had a great two odd weeks tog there he picked me up from work I met his mom heard horror story’s about his ex felt sorry for him then she found out about me I’m still having hassle now and what worse he gone bk to her I feel awful I trusted him and his family said its over he would never go bk three weeks we had and it over before it got started I feel a fool

  81. Hello, i just found your site when exactly right now i feel so pathetic. I feel so frustated and depressed. I have grown up in a dysfunctional family, my parents devorce when i was little. I become so fragile yet i tried so hard to be tough. I have been in relationship, and many of them just left me and taking me for granted. Long short story..I have been with this guy 1 year and a half, we met in Paris. We have different continent. Before we met up he just broke up with his 5 years ex for 2 week. But he tried to convince me he’s over her. But along our relation he’s still remained friend with his ex, but his ex always made up story just to see him with all kind of excuse (from trying to suicide, depression, etc. Until i he decide to move to my country because of me, but since yesterday the attack in Pris happened and his ex lost couple of her friend, it made her more depressed. And the moment he got job offer in different city from where i live. I can see he was worry for her and decide to comfort her cause she needs his help so much. I know i never compete to someone like that. But i feel so sad and depressed right now. I accept but it just hard to let go of someone i love, even though i tried my best make them separate. I need help too 🙁

    • You need to let him go until he can let go of her completely. It is the only way this can ever work. There will always be an excuse to talk to her,deal with her, or help her unless he cuts ties. He should only have one of you, not both of you. I know it is hard, but you need a free man, not one tied to his ex. At the first sign of this you should have dumped him and put your foot down. It is good that now you have let him go so you can stop this dysfunctional relationship, because that it what it was.

    • I to have met a man that I cared for he pursues me calling me wanting me to hang out with him he begged me ,I didn’t because I wanted to be single and collect my thoughts,he too had an ex he speaks of her on a regular he watched love movies listened to love music,I was with him for a year thinking he would ,at least care for me he was so secretly,at first it was good seem loving genuine,all was a lie he would always speak of her never wanted to know anything about me never even asked he used me whenever they were at ends asking me questions about women loving a man ladies alot of the men have no feeling of hurting another. Its sad when they can,t just be honest

  82. I met this guy who told my how his ex cheated on him over 10 times. And that i was the only one who made him forget his ex. Told me he loved me and that i was the one. He was the guy i always wanted. I also lost my virginity with him (i am 27 though) i felt that he is the one. After only one week of being with him, he said he wants to get back with his ex and left me 🙁 im so heartbroken. Three months has past but the pain feels like it just happend. Im afraid i wont ever be able to let go of him. Even though i know, he doesnt deserve my love i love him so much that the pain is killing my slowly 🙁

    • Same thing happened to me literally just 2 days ago. I’m 25 and I was dating this guy for like a week but had been flirting for a few months, I lost my virginity to him also, and right after he got back with his ex! She had found out he was seeing me and she got extremely jealous and dumped her current boyfriend and begged him to take her back while telling me to find my own man. I’m not mad about the virginity thing, he had seemed so into me which I believe was genuine. Im just so angry with him for going back to her and myself for hoping that he will “come to his senses” and come back to me.

  83. The thing to do is move on. Let them have their dysfunctional relationship and be thankful you are no longer a part of it. It is not your job to show them how stupid they are or to get their mind going. They are either going to learn something down the line or they aren’t. That is about THEM. Take care of yourself and don’t waste your time trying to teach them a lesson, because they may not want to learn it. And some people WANT a dysfunctional relationship, they don’t want what you consider a normal relationship. So your words would be meaningless. They are not here to learn anything, just to continue being dysfunctional and take you along for the ride if you are willing to go.

    • Completely with you. So what would you say in response to their communication would be a better way to put it.
      I’m not ok with the friends thing. Over and done. Also do not want to come across as an emotional wreck, which I am not. However, I feel it completely appropriate to voice my opinion on pursuing someone so heavily when you know in your heart there is no point in trying to gain their trust and ultimately love when you don’t have the space there to offer it in return. So what would you say to this person?

      • Nothing. I wouldn’t say anything, for the reasons stated above. I wouldn’t take/answer their calls or texts. The fact that you would respond/speak to them lets them know you aren’t over it, regardless of what you say. You are entitled to your reaction, but they are entitled to their perception of your intentions. What you say won’t matter to them so if you chose to speak to them, say whatever you want. They just want to know if you are willing to engage with them, the words don’t matter. They have been yelled at and called out before. It is a part of dysfunctional relationships, they are immune to it.

  84. So…..same here. And what is the appropriate , mind boggling response. Obviously this will eat at you for allowing a person to use you for comfort while they are awaiting their next shot. But what’s the best response to show them they are ultimately stupid or just to get their mind going. What are the TO DOs / Not To Dos in response?

    THANKS, and look forward to reading your responses.

  85. Wow…this nailed it on the head. I dated a guy for about 10 months. We met 2 weeks before his divorced was finalized but were merely friends until after it was final. He was a total gentleman, surprised me with flowers at work (we lived 2 hrs away from each other), always picked up the tab, so on and so forth. I was on cloud 9. The family liked me. Everyone around him was thrilled for him to be with someone who would love and cherish him as he deserved. Not one single person had anything kind to say about his ex. Yet he would tell me everything about her…how she hurt him multiple times, had emotional affairs, and she ultimately was the one who asked for the divorce. So he went through with it. Long story short…I tried understanding and being patient as possible. Until the end I just called him out and said “You’re not over her.” Which he replied “Guess not.” So several days go with us fighting back and forth (our first fight in that time) and he said he needs a break he’s confused needs to sort it out and seek God’s will. Well I asked him to let me know if he and his ex would be reconciling. We ended things civilly, and he would text me about once a week to check on me. Eventually he trailed off on contact at which point I began making contact. Well to get to the point he ended up saying “They were reconciling. God promised him…” Mind you his ex-wife has a boyfriend (possibly live in.) It’s just absolutely ridiculous. To add insult to injury he blocked me on social media and told me it was best we never speak again. Yet, when I asked if he would mail me some things I had loaned him he wouldn’t commit to doing so…his response “Well if I don’t mail it I’ll just give it you when I am up there.” Seriously?! He couldn’t commit to our relationship and still can’t commit to a clean break. Now here he is posting throwback photos from 4 years ago of his ex-wife less than 2 months after breaking up with me. It’s just so bizarre and dysfunctional. I feel dysfunctional for being so hurt…b/c logically I can see what a mess this is. But at the same time some small part of me can’t help but want him. Am I nuts?!

    • So your saying he is nuts to want to reconcile with someone that treated him badly yet you want to do the same thing? Are you going to give God credit for taking him back like he did with her or take responsibility for signing back up for a dysfunctional relationship like he should have? The red flags are there, but the choice to heed them or ignore them is on you.

  86. The man that I am having a baby with was seeing this woman who had separated from her husband, she was apparently his first real love. Well then it came down to where the woman’s husband was threatening her with her kids and she ended up going back to him for her kids. Well several months after she left the guy I’m having a child with, me and him started dating. Then she out of nowhere in November said she was leaving her husnad and wanted to get back with him. So we ended up breaking up, completely shattering me, soon afterwards I found out I was pregnant. The woman still hadn’t left her husband so around Valentines Day we started seeing each other a lot more, and were talking every day and he was staying at my house every night. We weren’t officially back together, but we were constantly in contact and together. I knew he still stayed in touch with her some and he was honest with me about his feelings and their contact. I know 100% that he loves me, but recently he felt he needed to give her an ultimatum, if she wasn’t going to leave her husband he was done with her.Our baby is due in less than 3 weeks and it wasn’t fair to him, me or the baby. Well she decided to take him up on his ultimatum and up and left her husband. It again shattered me. And since he apparently “forced” her into it, she had nowhere to go so he couldn’t afford to pay rent for two apartments and she doesn’t have a job to support herself, so they immediately moved in together. He told me it was a recipe for disaster, and so did his completely blunt daughter, not to think too much into it, and he also told me that he doesn’t have faith in the two of them but he does in fact have faith in me and him. But the next time he is with me he wants to be able to give me 100% of his heart, until then it’s not fair to me or the baby to just have part of him. So they’ve been together for going on 2 weeks and I’m miserable. Moving on isn’t an option, I want to wait on him. I don’t think he would tell me those things and that he loved me and being in love with 2 women was hell. He has been honest and open with me about everything, even when we first broke up, he was honest and didn’t spare my feelings, so I don’t think he would do it now. He has told me that he thinks of me all the time and misses me. I just would like some advice, he said the only way to get over her is to try to be with her first. I just need someone to talk to.

  87. i used to be his love and then he left me for another girl that is younger than me ( I’m older than him) I didn’t do anything then he came back begging to come back and because I loved him I forgave him , he kept on leave me ang going back to get for several times, we’ve been through this on/of relationship for three years , and now he left me again for her I swear she doesn’t love him why he is doing that I don’t know , I’m now devestated knowing that deep inside I want him back but knowing also he’ll keep in doing it over and over

  88. My ex left me around the 10th of this month for his ex. They started dating that exact day, he swore up and down he was over his ex. He even cried on my shoulder when I was having a hard time believing him. Swearing he doesn’t, that he loved me. The day he broke up with me, I asked him. Are you sure about us.. Can you see your self with me?, and he said YES.. Then BOOM, he leaves. Claiming “i was in denial, i loved her the whole time.. But I didn’t want to hurt you” augh. What hurt the most was, he lied the whole entire relationship.. Also she just turned 18, which makes me feel old.. After all of it I was still so kind to him & her.

    • He obviously was not ready for a real relationship with you, and was only ready for a dysfunctional mess with her. Won’t be a big surprise when they break up again……

  89. This just happened to my best friend. We all knew he was going to go back, but she wouldn’t listen to us. I am sending her the link to your site.

  90. Wow this happened to me, my ex was a friend and we dated over 3 years he and his wife were off and on again. I think her love for him is security and I think she wants him only to worship her in turn he treats every woman that loved him with disrespect because of her. It’s been a year since we broke up, he went back to her two months after the break up. It was hard initially but my lesson has been learned. It will be interesting to see his life in two years. As for me I’m waiting to be in a good place before I share my heart again.

    • I was in a new relationship the guy seemed really happy, everything felt like it was going great, I was top of the world, he told me his x wife he divorced 7 years ago because she cheated on him all the time, giving him the famous line ”its not you its me”. I asked him would you ever go back to her is she came calling, he said no I want to be with you. She was then dumped by her boyfriend she claimed to be the love of her life, found out about us and came calling at my boyfriends door, and to my shock he told me he was ‘confused’ and went back to her.

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