Instant relationships, although tempting, should be avoided. It may sound romantic to have your relationship pick up speed faster than a hurricane. The problem is,though, that instant relationships often stop just as quickly as they started. We live in a world where we want everything FAST. We want fast food so we no longer have to wait and cook, we need high speed internet, faster cars, faster phones, faster EVERYTHING.
Nobody wants to wait for anything anymore, including love and relationships. Clients often want to know if the guy they just met, just started dating, or was recently hired at work and they find attractive, will lead to a relationship. Who said any of those things have to or should happen? Shouldn’t you take some time actually getting to know this person before allowing them access to your life and your heart? Why the rush? Moving way too fast can often lead to disastrous results.
How the Media Supports Instant Relationships
The media of course is not helping at all. With shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette we are supposed to believe that being treated like cattle and spending little time with someone while competing with 20 other people for their attention can lead to love, marriage, and a lifetime of happiness in just a few episodes. The show has been on for a really long time, yet how much actual success has their been? When you see the contestants getting kicked off the show they are often sobbing hysterically that they are heartbroken because they “love him or her”.
Are you serious? You want us to believe you really love this person you barely know? We have all heard of instant pudding and instant mashed potatoes when you are too lazy to cook the real thing. It is a lower quality substitute for when you don’t have the time or ambition to prepare the real thing. They never taste as good, nor are as good ,for you as the real thing, because most of the ingredients are fake.
This is the same problem with instant relationships, the ingredients are fake and are not as good for you as the real thing. The same reasons people make instant pudding are pretty much the same reason they would enter into an instant relationship – impatience, lack of ambition, or thinking the instant will be good enough to try. These reasons may be good enough to try instant oatmeal, but they are not good enough to try instant relationships.
We understand you may be exhausted and frustrated at this point in your life. You have been waiting for true love and are starting to run out of patience. An instant relationship can be quite appealing because you are so tired of weeding through moron after moron waiting for Mr. Perfect for you to show up. You don’t want to waste anymore time dating someone, only to find out he or she isn’t really ready for a relationship, or to commit and be monogamous.
Why give someone a chance only to turn out down the road to be yet another disappointment? For the most part, no one really enjoys waiting. It’s frustrating, and it tries the very little patience we have in the first place, and those are just a few of the reasons instant relationships are so tempting. Someone is offering us what we want right away, rather than making us wait for it. It sounds good and looks good, so why not try it? How bad could it be? The answer to that question, as many people, including clients of ours have found out is, VERY BAD.
Examples of Instant Relationships
So what does an instant relationship look like? There are different examples of instant relationships, but one in particular goes a little something like this: You meet a guy or girl and your first date goes great and may even last a longer time than usual. They want to see you again right away, or not let the date end. They call or text right away and act like a boyfriend or girlfriend right away. They shower you with attention and skip right past the dating phase itself and move right in to an instant relationship. This person seems so ready for a relationship because they are not only talking the talk they are walking the walk. They even may talk about your future together within the first month, including living together, marriage, children, the whole nine yards.
You are on cloud nine, because they want the same things you do! Instead of waiting for you to fit into his life you become the center of it. You don’t have to ask him to call you or spend time with you, he does it all the time. You are thinking to yourself “finally, a guy or girl who is ready for a relationship and is doing the work without me asking or telling them what to do”. But, just as fast as this instant relationship was created, it will disappear. These kind of instant whirlwind relationships take you as high as the sky and then drop you on your head out of the blue when they go from 60 to zero out of nowhere. They have ended your relationship, and do not wish to see or speak to you again. They will then usually block you from everything and ghost you if you reach out to them.
Why did the instant relationship come to such a screaming halt? Because it was not meant to last, that is why. That person just wanted to try a relationship with you out, but only for a short term. It could be that they are the type of people that are attracted to the whirlwind dynamic, yet when reality start to set in and things become normal, they are no longer attracted to it. They didn’t want to buy into the whole relationship, they just wanted to lease it for a short period of time. After they took it around for a spin they decided to bring it back for a trade in and go try out another. There are many people that have instant relationship after instant relationship on purpose.
They are like impulse shoppers who buy things only to return them to the store later. You may be shaking your head thinking “who would do this on purpose” and the answer may surprise you, MANY people do this. Especially men. They get to look like a serious guy looking for a serious relationship who is willing to put 100% into it and it is not his fault that it didn’t go further. He will find whatever lame excuse he needs to exit, and doesn’t get the stigma of a player. A player never told you or promised you he would commit. He never dated only you or behaved like this. Players are bad guys, and this guy gets to be a player under the DISGUISE of being a good guy. When a player leaves a woman is often pissed off at him and hates him, yet the instant relationship player looks like the good guy who got away. Wrong. He is a player, he just played a smarter game.
Another reason someone would pursue an instant relationship with you is because their last relationship ended and they want to hurry up and get into a new one. They may hate being alone and like being in a relationship. Rather than take the time to heal or detox from their past relationship they hurry into a new one as fast as possible. Since they did not give themselves some time to put their past relationship behind them they are not really free heart, mind, body and soul to even think of beginning a new relationship but they do, either for the sake of their ego or because they do not like being alone.
They may be trying to prove to themselves and others that they are over their ex when in reality they are not. That is why getting involved with someone who has recently ended a significant relationship is a bad bad idea. Since they are so used to being in a relationship they try and create an instant one with you, but you cannot replace what they lost, and it is not your job to replace it either. If they have not gotten used to being single, they are not ready for a new relationship or even ready to date. You may worry that they will find someone else and you will miss your chance, but chances are all you will miss out on is an instant relationship that will be GONE in an instant.
Sometimes instant relationships are used for revenge or to get another persons attention. If someone tries to engage in an instant relationship with you it could be because their ex left them for someone else or has started up a new relationship themselves. The person trying so hard to move so fast with you may be trying to compete with their ex, or get their ex’s attention or may be trying to make them jealous. They may swear up and down to you that they would NEVER go back to their ex, but they may be lying through their teeth.
The second the ex makes contact the person that told you how they have never been happier than they are with you and how miserable they have been with their ex will suddenly drop you like a hot potato and be back with their ex in a nanosecond. They wanted to convince both you AND their ex that they were ready to move on, when in reality, they did it all to get their ex back. Of course they wont admit it to you, because then you would think they are scum, so they blame the fact that they are confused or that the ex couldn’t stand for them to be happy with someone else and ruined things with the two of you by manipulating him and luring him back to her lair.
But Instant Relationships are Sooo Romantic!
You may want someone to fall instantly in love with you like people do in the movies or in romance novels. That’s why when someone tells you they love you WAY too soon instead of seeing it as a major red flag many take it as a compliment and actually believe it. To know you is to love you, and if they don’t really know you (which they cannot possibly in a month even if you are in jail together the entire time as cellmates) they cannot possibly love you that quickly. So when you see someone falling instantly in love, put him or her and YOURSELF in check. Remind yourself (and them) that they don’t love you, and expressing something like that this soon is inappropriate and should not be said this early.
Then ask yourself why is this person saying such things this early? Is it because they are desperate to express love because they want so badly to find it? Is it because they think that is what you want to hear to get you to invest your feelings in them quicker? There are so many women that complain that getting the man they love to express his feelings is like pulling teeth, but they need to also see the warning signs when a man opens up way way too quickly. Just as fast as they “fall in love with you” they can fall OUT of love with you, so you need to be prepared. No one wants to be lied to, no matter how pretty the lie.
I had a client who wanted me to share her story with you. She had a 3 month whirlwind romance with a guy that seemed so perfect. Their first date had them talking into the wee hours of the night, and the next day, Sunday, he asked her to join him for brunch. He began calling and texting every day right away, and asked all about her as if he were dying to get to know every single thing about her. He mentioned so many times how happy he was, how he had never felt like this before, and how perfectly matched they are. He pointed out how much they had in common and how different and like a breath of fresh air she was.
Within 30 days of this instant relationship she met his family and they began planning a vacation to a tropical island they both wanted to visit. They paid for the tickets, and had everything set to go. He met her friends and family (at his urging) and charmed them all and told even them how wonderful she was and how blessed he felt to find her. She was on cloud nine and felt like she had finally found her prince! This must be the one for her because everything was so EASY with this guy and he made her feel she was the perfect girl for him and he KNEW it and appreciated it. But then the bubble burst, out of nowhere.
Two weeks before the they were to go on this trip they had planned and paid for he started getting distant, withdrawn and a bit snippy. The actual week before the trip he picked a fight and went silent. It was a silly fight, not about anything major, but he refused to answer her calls or talk to her. She couldn’t believe he was making such a big deal out of a small thing. After all, what they had was so special and perfect, and he wouldn’t let something this trivial ruin everything, would he? Now it is 2 days before their trip and she is in a panic.
She put the reservations on her credit card and he was to pay her back and she doesn’t know if he is even willing to go at this point! She feels like she fell into a rabbit hole and cannot believe this is happening. The morning of their departure he sends her a text saying “this isn’t going to work and I am not going on this trip”. She is stunned, and texts him and calls him asking to talk about it, wanting to know why, and asking him for his share of the payment for the canceled tickets. He kept giving her the silent treatment and she got madder and madder, and then he sent her another texts saying HE was devastated and that is why he couldn’t talk. This threw her for a loop.
He went on to give her a lame excuse and blamed little stupid things she did or said (that were really no big deal) that MADE him change his mind and his feelings. He said he was so happy and really thought they had something special until she did this little thing and said that little thing. When she called she was so upset and wondering what she could do to convince him that those things were a misunderstanding, would never happen again, and wanted to know what she could do, if anything, to get this great guy to give her another chance.
I told her it was all bullshit. It was a complete instant relationship illusion, that it was going to have to end at some point, and he was going to find fault with her somehow and end it. It also showed he had zero intention of paying her for his share of the trip. I had to explain to her that this guy uses instant relationships for instant self gratification and when it runs its course and begins to become real and he has to make good on all his promises and words, he bails. This is not a good guy and he knew all along he was going to hurt her and was setting her up for humiliation. It took a while to explain to her what this was really all about.
Actually an Instant Relationship Really Sucks!
It wasn’t about a guy who got swept off his feet and fell instantly in love. It was a guy who likes the thrill of the chase and the beginnings of relationships, so her pursues very quickly and effectively, and as soon as the thrill is gone, so is he. This was a perfect example of the a player who disguises himself as serious relationship material. Because they are so good at it, so many women blames themselves and not him, and he feels like the one who got away that was such a good catch, and they have the hardest time getting closure.
Because he and their relationship was so freaking good, they have a hard time letting go because it showed so much promise. They wish they never said this or that or never did this or that thinking then they could have held onto this wonderful guy……..but the truth is no matter what they did or said this guy was going to find a reason to end things and pull the rug right out from under her. These are the worst players of them all, because they did everything in their power and put so much effort into making you think they were serious and in it for the long haul. These guys use instant relationships for all the wrong reasons, and you need to see them coming before they take you out at the knees.
Instant relationship can also be a form of a rebound relationship too. When someone has been jilted, dumped, let for someone else, cheated on or treated like garbage they often rush into another relationship because they need to feel like someone wants them, that they too are lovable. They want to know that someone else would treat them right, and that they can have a normal relationship. The problem is they are trying to hard to prove one or more of those things with someone else, when they need to prove that to themselves, all BY themselves. When they realize they are lovable, that someone out there would want them, and that they can find a better relationship then and only then they should go out and try and find one. It is not up to someone else to fix your ego or your issues. It is up to you. And when you are trying to prove something to your ex by being with someone new you are only proving to your ex that you are not over them and that your new relationship is a joke. If you are ready for a new relationship your ex has nothing to do with it.